Thursday, 4 October 2018

Long time, no blog

I've been thinking about writing for a few weeks now. I'd actually decided not to renew my blog, thinking that I'd finished with it. I can't bring myself to delete it but thought that it had served it's purpose. But today I've wanted to write like I used to, not for anyone but myself.

I met with a friend last night, one I haven't seen in about 8 years. Due to the circumstances, we didn't keep in touch and I can't say we really know each other very well. Regardless, we've always kept a connection and given that the world works in mysterious ways, we now don't live far from each other at all.

So imagine having to catch up on almost a lifetime.

If you tell someone your story, you're forced to reflect. To feel. To think about what you've been through and where you are now. I think I stopped writing on here because I felt like a fraud. My blog was always a diary of a girl with anorexia. It evolved into recovery, travelling, my life unfolding. But now I am content, what else can I write?

I've been asked recently how I changed my narrative? How did I cope? What is my advice to someone with an eating disorder?

And my honest answer is that I do not know. 

I don't know how I did it and I can't even remember the darkest years of the illness. My brain has shut  those out on purpose, to protect me I can only assume. However, it's not very helpful when advice is asked for, and I really do feel like a fraud sometimes.

I've never read my old blogs but I have just spent an hour skim reading words I wrote in 2012. I don't remember it. I don't want to remember it either really. I look back and I just feel sad for the 17 year old girl who thought no one cared.

I'm very, very fortunate. I was able to change my identity and inner narrative. I no longer feel a victim or slave to what once was. But part of me does wish I could understand the healing process a little better, to understand what it was that made me take that leap of faith.

I don't know if I'll ever know and that's OK. Sometimes we have to learn to let go and let things be.

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