Long time, no blog

Thursday, 4 October 2018

No comments

I've been thinking about writing for a few weeks now. I'd actually decided not to renew my blog, thinking that I'd finished with it. I can't bring myself to delete it but thought that it had served it's purpose. But today I've wanted to write like I used to, not for anyone but myself.

I met with a friend last night, one I haven't seen in about 8 years. Due to the circumstances, we didn't keep in touch and I can't say we really know each other very well. Regardless, we've always kept a connection and given that the world works in mysterious ways, we now don't live far from each other at all.

So imagine having to catch up on almost a lifetime.

If you tell someone your story, you're forced to reflect. To feel. To think about what you've been through and where you are now. I think I stopped writing on here because I felt like a fraud. My blog was always a diary of a girl with anorexia. It evolved into recovery, travelling, my life unfolding. But now I am content, what else can I write?

I've been asked recently how I changed my narrative? How did I cope? What is my advice to someone with an eating disorder?

And my honest answer is that I do not know. 

I don't know how I did it and I can't even remember the darkest years of the illness. My brain has shut  those out on purpose, to protect me I can only assume. However, it's not very helpful when advice is asked for, and I really do feel like a fraud sometimes.

I've never read my old blogs but I have just spent an hour skim reading words I wrote in 2012. I don't remember it. I don't want to remember it either really. I look back and I just feel sad for the 17 year old girl who thought no one cared.

I'm very, very fortunate. I was able to change my identity and inner narrative. I no longer feel a victim or slave to what once was. But part of me does wish I could understand the healing process a little better, to understand what it was that made me take that leap of faith.

I don't know if I'll ever know and that's OK. Sometimes we have to learn to let go and let things be.

Read More

A New Chapter

Monday, 7 May 2018

No comments

3 months since I've posted anything on this blog, and to be honest, I've not missed writing. I have just had to renew the domain on this blog though which has got me thinking about whether I want to continue it. Turns out I'm paying for another 2 years, so here we are.

Life has been going at 300mph, and I've just been enjoying being rather than documenting every single thing. Something worth documenting did happen last week though, and as it's one of the sunniest days we've had all year, it seems fitting that I'm writing on a balcony, soaking up the sunshine.

Last week saw the end of my placement, a job interview and the news I've been hoping for since my academic study begun really.

As of December 2018, I will be a fully qualified child protection social worker. 

It still feels weird to say or write. I still have to write my dissertation and work as family support until December but it feels amazing to know that all of the hard work has paid off and my career is about to begin. It also feels amazing to know that I can move out soon, become a real adult (whatever that is), and see what this next chapter has to offer.

I know I'm not alone in that it means a lot to be writing this. I know that post people go into a social/health/psychological profession because they've usually had some form of direct experience themselves and want to support others. But, just five years ago, to think that I would be where I am now, was unimaginable. I had no idea what I wanted to do, how I was going to get there let alone recover to full health. This week has been a whirlwind of emotions actually, and I'm not afraid to say that, yes, I am proud of myself.

Hard work really does pay off, you just have to believe in yourself.
Read More


Sunday, 18 February 2018

No comments
It's Sunday afternoon and I'm house sitting for my boyfriend's parents, watching Netflix and reading Women's Health magazine. My boyfriend is in Dublin and I've been shopping this morning with my friend who has come from Sheffield, spending money that I don't have but it's okay because who needs food or petrol anyway? (Me and me).

People keep asking me if I'm still blogging and I never really know how to answer. I'm writing right now because for the first time in months, I've had an afternoon where I'm in my own company without Uni working to do or somewhere to go. I thought I'd stopped writing because I have nothing to say any more, and there is some truth in that. This blog is ultimately a diary of my battle with anorexia and years later, I don't have anything else to contribute to that.

I am half way through my final placement, I have one more direct observation to do and I have a dissertation to write, and that. is. all. I've worked so hard to do all of my work way ahead of deadlines because if I'm honest, I'm so over academia now. I've gone from being a world class perfectionist to someone who just wants to pass and be a qualified social worker. But being on a child protection placement means I can't really write about it. I don't want to write a detailed account of my day because reliving it can be exhausting but also, I can't break confidentiality anyway. Child protection is without a doubt one of the hardest areas of social work I could choose to be in, but part of me loves it. I love going into a really crap situation and knowing that I'm there for a child, to make their life a tiny bit better if I can. It's hard, yes. But it's rewarding.

But I think the real reason for me not writing any more is because I'm too busy enjoying life. My following is down on here and instagram but I no longer care, not that I really ever did. I am actually really happy and I'm enjoying living in the moment rather than worrying about photographing everything for social media. If anything, being on placement has made me appreciate life so much more than I could ever have imagined. I walk into situations where there is neglect, domestic violence and sexual abuse... and I remember that although it's not happening to me, it could be. It could be happening to anyone and I don't know what is around the corner. None of us do. But it does remind me to ring my Nan to check how she is, to text my Dad to make sure he's not alone and say 'I love you' to those dearest because it's important to let people know how much they mean to you.

I'm doing intense work but I'm so privileged to be a part of a child's life for a short period of time and I'm grateful that it makes me see how lucky I am. I am very happy right now and I'm simply just enjoying it.
Read More

Body confidence

Saturday, 10 February 2018

No comments

Oh hi!

Long time no write. I think this is definitely the longest I've ever not blogged before. Even when I was travelling I was managing to write something once a week but I think this is the first post of the year.

I was going to say I feel guilty but I don't. I have been so busy living my life, that blogging and wanting to capture everything to write on my blog has taken a back seat. I no longer have a burning desire to photograph everything or record everything because it actually takes a lot away from living in the moment. That being said, there is something very fulfilling and cathartic about writing so I will return to this space whenever I feel the need to.

I found a new outlet in November last year - strength training. I feel fitter and more confident than ever before. Last week I managed to dead lift 60kg, which a little under my own body weight, and you know what, I felt amazing. I used to think lifting weights makes you bulky but far from it. I feel so much more toned physically but I'd say the biggest change has been psychologically. I feel so empowered when I'm strength training, I feel stronger and I'm actually not afraid to eat a lot more too (which is huge if you've been reading for a while).

And there's nothing better than lace lingerie to make you feel more confident in yourself, which is why I've teamed up with UK Lingerie who have a huge range of swimwear, lingerie and tights. Just in time for Valentines day as well! Definitely worth checking out if you're in need of something pretty to give you a confidence boost.

As for the blogging, maybe I'll write more often. Maybe I won't. This year is a big year for me career wise so I'm happy working away at life for the time being.
Read More
Copyright © What I Know Now. Blog Design by SkyandStars.co