Sunday, 13 December 2015

Disordered Christmas


I can safely say that this year, I'm really looking forward to Christmas. Although I've stupidly agreed to work longer than I originally wanted to, I am having Christmas day off so I can just sit back, relax an enjoy the festivities.

And what's more, is the that the sheer fact of being able to write that makes me smile. To be able to just enjoy everything without feeling anxious about food is amazing to me. So I wanted to write a note to my former self, to remind others who are feeling anxious, that it's actually can be ok if you let it.

Hey you,

Yes you. The one who is worrying herself sick over how on earth you're going to make it through Christmas without anyone noticing that a morsel of food hasn't touched your lips yet. The one who is sitting at the dinner table, rapidly calculating how much is ok to eat, and then panicking over how you're going to explain that your plate is far smaller than everyone else's. 

Are the vegetables dripping with butter? Is that extra fat on those roast potatoes? Three types of dessert.. how to get out of not eating any? Why can't I join in like everybody else?

Actually, you can. You're allowed to eat what you want. Maybe want you want is only a few extra chocolates, maybe it's the whole tin. Christmas is once a year so you won't balloon overnight. It's OK to let go.

You know, one day you'll be able to look at those questions and think what the actual f*ck were you doing. It's all insignificant now but during those years of recovery, they were the biggest problems you've ever had. 

And what's more, no one was really paying any attention to what you were eating. Everyone was too busy enjoying themselves, and being happy because they were surrounded by family and love. That's what Christmas is really about. It's not about how much food you can or can't eat. It's about relaxing, enjoying yourself, being with the people you love. It's about seeing a bright smile on someone's face when you give them their favourite box of chocolates. It's about listening to beautiful carols sung by choirs, the magical smiles on children's faces when they've seen that Santa has been. It's about being there for the people who are usually alone, caring when no one else does. 

There is just so much more to Christmas than the food, and one day you'll remember all of that. Hang on in there, be patient and try not to let paranoia kick in. The mind is a very powerful thing, and has the ability to overcome anything. 

Believe in yourself girl, because one day Christmas will be magical again.

Sam x

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2 comments

The Style Rawr said...

Such a personal and honest post, Sam. I'm so proud of you for coming so far and being able to share this! I hope you and your family have the heat Xmas ever. :)

T xx

Lucy said...

Sam, this such a brave and honest post. It really touched me, and I'm so pleased for you that you've managed to overcome your struggles. Christmas really is about being with loved ones, and I hope you have a bloody good one!

Lucy x- Yellowicing

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