Friday, 9 October 2015

Being Average

This post is definitely one of those which has been a draft for some time now because sometimes it's not so easy to just write about how you are when you know who is actually reading it. It's not as easy to write freely online any more, everything has to be well thought out and sometimes filtered out because the last thing you want is to be left feeling vulnerable. But, f*ck it.

Believe it or not, I'm not one for comparison any more. I think we are all completely different, our lives take different directions, and if we're not good at one thing, chances are we're good at another. People often say social media is the worst culprit for inviting comparison, but when I see someone on holiday or in a pretty outfit, I don't get jealous. I think good for them! And if I want it, I'll go about trying to get it. 

Maybe it's a trait left over from years of living with an eating disorder, but something I do fear, is being average. Not average in comparison to any one else, but average in terms of what I believe it to be - the need to live up to my own expectations. So when I say that I was sat the other day, almost missing my tiny, anorexic frame, it's not something that I want people to worry about. I don't miss it because I want to be skeletal again, but because it's not average. 

See, when you hardly eat, you're numb. You live in this hazy bubble and people wrongly idolise you. 

I wish I had your willpower.

It's a huge compliment. You feel superior to the rest of society, especially when half of humanity seems to be on a diet or attempting weight loss, and miserably failing due to the amount of temptation there is out there. I no longer receive this so called compliment any more because I make sure I eat properly, healthily and unhealthily. I can quite happily say no to dessert. I can easily decline junk food. However for me, the ability to starve isn't a sign of strength, but rather strength is going against that vicious voice in your head, eating adequately and remaining a healthy weight - which doesn't even require any effort now because I'm no longer unwell.

Not being conflicted any more is amazing. I really do love being able to enjoy a piece of cake offered by my Uncle again without a second, doubtful thought. It's normal. It's average, and I look very average now too. I'm not skinny, no longer a walking zombie, and clothes don't hang off me - which I know, is actually a whole lot better than the alternative. But sometimes, and it isn't often but just sometimes, I miss feeling superior to the rest of the world. 

Really, I should learn to feel OK with feeling average. If it means being alive, healthy and free, then maybe average isn't so bad after all.


Unknown said...

I love the post! Have a wonderful weekend:)

Unknown said...

Great post! I feel like putting things out there online can sometimes be like putting a target in your back, but then I think fuck it! Our blogs are our spaces on the Internet! xo

Unknown said...

This is a great post, I'm sure the word brave is not how you want to be described, but I always think it's takes a certain courage to stand up and talk about stuff we struggle with, have doubts about etc. I've written a few posts touching on my own insecurities and it feels a relief to put it out there, but also scary that people are then privy to your private thoughts! I worry a lot about what people would think of my blog which is why I don't promote it at all, which is silly as I really love doing it.

Lucy x- Yellowicing

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