Yesterday was one of those days, in which it's 5pm before you've even remembered to sit down because you are just so busy. It was a day consumed with meetings, testing participants, planning presentations, lectures.. I was the headless chicken running around campus! It was also a day in which we were given some results back for last semester; a day I always dread.
Fortunately, I did well. Really well. In fact, I almost cried with relief because I was completely overwhelmed by it but then I realised I was so overwhelmed because of the amount of pressure I put on myself to succeed. I tried my best, I worked my arse off ridiculously hard, and in this instance, my best was good enough. But what if it wasn't? You always hear 'as long as you did your best, that's all that matters'. Well, actually sometimes it's not. Sometimes your best doesn't get the result you want, the job you applied for, the finish line of the marathon you trained for.. and as a woman in the 21st century, I don't feel equipped to cope with my best not actually being good enough.
Previously, my only way of coping was to compare. As long as I did better than everyone else, well it's marginally better? But to be honest, I don't even get any satisfaction out of that any more. So what if I did better than someone else? It has absolutely NO impact on my result. What other people do or don't do has no reflection on my life, so what is the point?
I know I'm not alone in the fact that when I don't reach my own standards/expectations, I beat myself up. You're rubbish, a let down, you should have worked harder, done this, that or the other.. are probably words that you are or have been familiar with. But before we go into this whole beat ourselves up until we feel awful and miserable, and want to curl up into a ball and do nothing but hibernate and eat chocolate state, I want to know if you'd be telling your child, sister, best friend that they should have worked harder and longer, that they are no good, a let down, a failure.. ?
Chances are you wouldn't dream of it. You'd probably yell at them for being so hard on themselves,. Yet why is it OK to beat ourselves up?
I think the answer is, it's not. We are the only person we are with 24/7 - we have to be with our own company ALL of the time, so really, we should learn to like and get along with ourselves, compliment ourselves and be kind to ourselves. It is after all, the most important relationship you'll ever have. Otherwise, it's a hell of a long time being miserable, isn't it? We live in a world where self criticism is more socially accepted, and to stand up and say I like myself is actually quite rare. But to me, that's really sad.
I'm not sure where I'm really going with this, but I think what yesterday taught me was that sometimes your best isn't enough, but that doesn't mean it's acceptable to beat yourself up. And when it is enough, it's perfectly acceptable to be proud of yourself, dance all the way home and parade around your house with a beaming smile on your face. A little self care never hurt anyone.
So ease up on the pressure Samantha, you're doing ok..
♥
