Sunday, 26 October 2014

End of British Summertime

Today the clocks went back an hour, and at 5:15pm it was dark. It really is the end of summertime.

I'm not sure why I feel so reflective today but oddly, I do. Summer 2014 really has been a major turning point for me, and it is one that I will never forget. However, my thoughts have been with winter and more specifically Christmas for a while now. Maybe because I work in retail and I've been selling roll wrap for weeks, or maybe because I am an organised biatch who has been Christmas shopping for about a month now, but I really am looking forward to enjoying the festive season. I think if I'm honest, it's because I'm looking forward to embracing Christmas properly this year.

For an eating disordered person, Christmas is hell on earth. The food is a nightmare, and nothing else gets a thought. But, I'm not that person any more and therefore, food isn't an issue or a priority. Yes, I AM looking forward to mince pies, tubs of minature heroes, Christmas dinner, Baileys etc but more than that, I'm looking forward to enjoying it all without anxiety! I can't wait to see the look on my family's faces when they open their presents, teasing my dad about the crap toy he gets in the Christmas cracker, singing and dancing to the ridiculously cheesy Christmas songs that I love.. yes I can safely say that this year, I'm having my Christmas back.

I think Christmas needs that magical air about it for it to become exciting, and after a conversation with a good friend of mine today, I've realised that the magic I once possessed, got a bit lost. The magic we start out with as a child, usually vanishes in our teenage years when we become cynical, sensible or the nightmare teenager that our parents pray not to have. Although I know that I'm a very mature 20 year old, I'd not really acknowledged the sadness behind that until today. I was forced to grow up fast, resulting in lost childhood and freedom. I learned how to be responsible and to take life seriously, I gave up emotion (laughing and crying) because I forced myself to show the world that I could take care of myself. But with freeing myself from this eating disorder, I'm beginning to regain that magic, laughter and warmth. The behaviourist in me know that it is possible to unlearn these attrThe inner child in me that never once had a chance to live, needs to show her face again and take life less seriously - enjoy life again.

The festive season is the perfect time to regain that excitement for life again, and I think the dark nights, cosey fire and hot chocolate that I'm consuming, highlight how close Christmas really is.

1 comment

Josie said...

Love this post Sam, how fab that you feel you're gonna have a proper Christmas this seriously is the best time of year for sure! Yes Christmas is SO close, it's madness because it feels like yesterday that I was posting your card!! x

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