Friday, 6 June 2014

To talk or not to talk..

I think I've mentioned this kind of thing on my blog before but I don't think I was recovered enough to really understand it, but it's something I've found myself thinking about a lot recently so I want to address it again.

I wouldn't say recovery has definitive steps in which we all must go through in order to recover, but there are certain stages that I'd say most people should experience if you want a good chance at recovering properly! For example, obvious ones would be gaining weight or eating at a restaurant. I think one of the later stages (for me at least), is to stop talking about recovery.

People may disagree as I know that talking can be wonderful. I have met some amazing people through talking. I have logged onto facebook or twitter at any time of day, and there is always someone who understands there to help me out. A problem shared is a problem halved after all. So, I am not saying don't talk. It is a very healing technique.

I would say that I am more well than I am ill (is that possible? it is now!), so when people talk to me about what they are going through, I often find myself thinking 'that isn't a problem for me now'. Similarly, when people ask me how I am, they often expect me to include a full update of my mental health too. The thing is, most days I am fine. I don't have a daily battle with food any more. If I criticize myself, I am told to 'not let my illness beat me up' - I'm sorry, but when I miss the bus and I call myself an idiot for getting up earlier, it has nothing to do with being ill.

I am beginning to question if I can keep talking to people about my own experiences and their experiences with eating disorders. It may sound like I don't care, which isn't true. I do care about other sufferers - maybe a little bit too much! But, am I talking because it is keeping me attached to this illness? Because I don't want to let go?  Even if it's conversation about how well myself/they are doing, it's still talking about an eating disorder/ But you know what? Normal people don't congratulate people every time we eat a meal. If someone says 'well done' to me now, I sometimes find it quite patronizing. And the same with social media - although it is very normal in the 21st century to post a picture when you eat out or of something that looks amazing, it is not normal to post a picture every time you eat a meal, or every time treat yourself to a high calorie drink or cake (I'm guilty of the latter, I know).

I'm not saying that these things shouldn't be done at all. They are stages in recovery that do help, and I appreciate that everyone is at a different stage at different times. But for me, I think if I keep supporting other people, it keeps that detrimental part of my brain alive - it's still there, churning away, being fed by the conversation.

I do think that I can come back and help in the future but only after a stage of fully focusing on life and 'normalising' everything properly. After that, I guess that supporting people would then be a) easier and b) very different because it would be from a truly recovered perspective - and I'd probably be a much more healthy source of support.

So for now, I think that maybe it's time to stop discussing everything for a while, and move on.


Josie said...

It's great to talk about things but I do see where you are coming from as well. And I get that you would want to help others right now but I think you should do what's best for you and like you said, come back in the future! x

Josie’s Journal

hannah said...

This must have been such a hard decision to make, but I really think it's the right decision with how you've explained it. I think in the future you're going to be amazing support to others in whatever job you decide to take on at the time, but for now you should concentrate on you and living a normal, healthy and happy life (even if you do miss the bus sometimes!). I look forward to your future posts and seeing what they entail :) xxx P.s. How warm is it already?! Working today is definitely going to suck!! I hope you get out to enjoy the sunshine after work lovely :)

Amy-Louise said...

I agree, hence why I've taken a step back recently and when I return I want to make my blog about me and my future rather than continuously absorbing the past. By constantly surrounding yourself with the mental health world it's just another reason to cling onto the illness and that's something I've realised recently. Do what's best for you sweetheart, your blog is interesting whatever you choose to write about and people love you no matter what <3

Sarah Robertson said...

A-bloody-men. x

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