Friday, 30 May 2014

Things are not always what they seem

“Things are not always what they seem; the first appearance deceives many; the intelligence of a few perceives what has been carefully hidden."

- Phaedrus

These words describe exactly what I have come to fully realise this week. Has anyone else had one of those moments that really wakes them up? I'm sat here thinking about the Simpsons Movie when Homer has an epiphany, but that is really the best way I can describe my week!

A few days ago, I went to my local gourmet burger restaurant for dinner with a friend of mine. I can honestly say it is the first time ever that I have been true to myself. I think it's fair to say that eating out, especially a meal like burger and chips, is considered a treat meal and not something that is an everyday occurrence? Therefore, to an eating disordered person it evokes panic because chances are the meal is bigger than usual. Personally, I usually compensate somewhere if I'm eating out. I cut something out or do a bit more exercise, and then usually lie about it. Thing is, that's not normal. That's still disordered so it has to change.

I did change, I ate the whole meal (and yes, it was delicious and I'll no doubt be going back!). But, what I realised was that no matter what I say, people will still be questioning whether I'm being honest or not. I have been lying for so long that it is inevitable, and I don't blame people for doing so. Similarly, I am going to question what others say to me - it's the nature of the illness. No one really knows what others are doing, unless we are with them 24/7. I can tell you I've eaten three Mars bars, I can tweet about it, post a picture of all three. We find it easy to deceive, create a world that looks like we are trying so hard, inspiring everyone to do the same - but unless you've actually seen me eat those three Mars bars, only I will really know. 

I was proud of myself on Tuesday, I enjoyed myself and I lived. If that means being a few pounds heavier then so be it. I'll be healthier and able to enjoy my life 100%, so I must accept that.  But most of all, I decided that I don't want to be the hypocrite that does not practice what they preach. I don't want people to find me inspirational, if in reality, I'm a fake. 

Since then, I have put a stop to three bad habits. Maybe this meal out really was the motivation I needed. 





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3 comments

hannah said...

I'm glad you've found the courage to recognise that something else needed to change, and that you've stopped whatever it is you felt were bad habits :) you're definitely an inspiration, I love reading your posts because you're so honest and open about real life stuff, and as much as I love reading about fashion and gossip, there's something so refreshing/encouraging about these posts you do xxx

Josie said...

That's so positive that you've realised something needed to change and that you've done something about it! It's actually a brave thing to do. Like Hannah says, I also love how honest your posts are x

Josie’s Journal

Sarah Robertson said...

I've only just found half an hour to catch up on your blog Sam, and my gosh wasn't this dinner delicious! You know I am with you on all accounts. Keep breaking those bad habits love. x

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