Sunday, 27 April 2014

Moving Forward

It seems that my busy life and constant attempts at challenging myself, without numbers or scales, has caught up with me. Whilst I've been out living for the past 10 months, I have actually been undoing some of my hard work.

I think maybe I've been in denial for quite a while that I am fine, that I am OK here and can manage. It's only because of recent conversations with others that have made me question what I am doing and where I'm actually going with my recovery. I don't want to be sat here in 10 years still typing away about how I'm still trapped. These past 10 months where I thought that I have been at a stand still, have actually been me slowly falling backwards.

I should give myself some credit - I have enjoyed social events, eaten out with friends (especially cake), worked, volunteered, made huge life decisions such as Thailand, and stopped being a hermit (ha!). Ultimately, I've enjoyed every single one of these occasions. I've seen glimpses into what a real recovered lifestyle is and I want that permanently now. So, I am now actually pushing myself forwards again so that my life can involve more of that.

I know it's so much easier said that done but one thing I do know - I shall never give up.

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Sunday, 20 April 2014

Little things #5

I've not done one of these in a while, but I actually have two things that are worth noting. Firstly, I met a lovely friend this week for coffee, a manicure and lunch. As a self confessed nail varnish addict, it's only a crime really that I've never had gel nails before but now I have, and I love them! I opted for a pastel lilac as we are now well and truly into spring, but couldn't resist a hint of glitter!



Secondly, is Easter! My Mum actually did really well this year - I prefer little bits to a big egg, so I was so chuffed when I was handed a bag of Malteaster bunnies and Egg 'n' Spoons. My favourite though, are creme eggs - I'm addicted! - so I was glad my Nan slipped in a box ;) I think what I prefer most about this, is that my Mum actually listened to me! I remember last year, being more ill than I am now, and being faced with 3 giant eggs. It wasn't good!


I've spent my Easter doing Uni work but I think I've finally finished my FINAL assignment of this year. Obviously, I rewarded myself with chocolate ;)

Hope you all had a fabulous Easter!




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Friday, 18 April 2014

Reflection

I've not posted on here for a few days now which is unusual for me but I guess I've been busy - mainly swamped in revision and assignments - but I have been meeting friends and training for the 10k run too! I also had an awful reaction to a vaccination too - headaches, temperature and a head cold - the joys of travel eh? ;)

I've also been massively re-evaluating my own journey. Firstly, I saw a very good friend on Monday and we went for a gourmet burger (and chips), as a belated Birthday meal - something I've not done for YEARS. Part of me is proud but part of me is sitting here thinking 'why are you even acknowledging this any more?'. I had a burger, and what? People do that everyday. I know it's different for me and it wasn't easy, but the sky didn't fall down, the world didn't end and guess what? My clothes still fit and I'm not now huge because of it. It seems stupid to even write about what I had to eat because I'm giving food power, and even though it's writing about food in a positive light, it's still over analysing. 

I think this has been reinforced more than usual, because I've been speaking to some very lovely people who are more ill than I am now. Watching them talk about numbers, struggle over meals, worrying about holidays, being out of control - it all seems so ridiculous and it just makes me want nothing to do with any of those behaviours. I don't want that life! It's so exhausting, not to mention time consuming. I ain't got time to be googling calories in Easter eggs - I have a lab report to write, thanks!

I am usually very skeptical about spending too much time with other sufferers because we compare, we judge and we lie - it's the nature of the illness. But this time around, it's making me realise more than ever before, that I have to just let go fully now. 
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Friday, 11 April 2014

MY BIRTHDAY

Today is my 20th Birthday. The days approaching have left with me some what conflicting views but as of today, I could not be happier. It's a new decade, and one that I will NOT let an eating disorder ruin. Therefore, it started today.

I woke up and open my presents from my family (and some friends) with my Brother, before he went to 6th form. I was treated to some absolutely lovely presents including the Frozen DVD (which I absolutely love!), some new vans, a few clothing items and other bits and bobs! This was short lived though, as I had to get ready to meet my friend Beckie at the train station. As she lives in Manchester, she traveled to meet me and we then ventured to Birmingham for lunch and a spot of shopping. On the train I opened the BEST present ever - A GIANT MINION. (I know, I am now 20, but I shall always love disney/pixar films!).

My favourite place to eat is Yo Sushi, so this was the first stop. We had a few dishes but Beckie saw 'octopus balls' on the menu so decided that my 20th Birthday should include eating these - and so it did! We spent the afternoon shopping. I didn't buy much apart from a new necklace and a skirt for Thailand! We also stopped for a frozen yogurt treat just before coming back :-)

This evening, I have dined at pizza express and shared dessert with Beckie - something I've not done for maybe 3 years?! Ridiculous really when I write it down. It really has been one of the best celebrations in a long time. I do not care that I am no longer a teenager any more, but what I do care about is that I am alive and I am enjoying my life.

So finally, FUCK YOU ANOREXIA. YOU DIDN'T TAKE MY 20TH BIRTHDAY.

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Tuesday, 8 April 2014

Thailand Training & Home

Yesterday, I attended a 5 hour training session for my trip to Thailand this year. Everything I could possibly need to know was crammed into 5 hours, which makes for a pretty intense day really! It covered everything from insurance, places to visit, laws, how to actually teach and Thai culture! I even won a creme egg which made my day ;)

I learnt some pretty interesting (and vital) things about the culture and teaching. For example, you can't throw rice away, you can't touch people's heads, and you greet people with a bow. I have also realised that the majority of me 'lessons' will be singing songs and playing games - I think those are essential qualities for a teacher, don't you agree? ;) I can't say I feel prepared but I am certainly excited to go! Just being able to learn about a new culture and make a difference to children's lives has to be an invaluable and unforgettable experience! I was also officially told who my partner was - Issy from Life and Times of a student - and I'm so so happy because she is so lovely! We'd arranged to do the 10k Manchester Run together next month before knowing, so I'm so happy I'll be able to meet and get to know her a bit more before going :)

After the training session, my Mum came to pick me up! We stopped for dinner on the way back which was an early Birthday/late Mother's day kinda thing. It was actually quite nice (and rare) for it to just be me and her. Then finally, I arrived home for Easter! I'd say I was looking forward to a nice break, but what with my Birthday, training for the run and two exams to revise for, it's not looking very possible!

Still, it's nice to be back in my own bed :)


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Thursday, 3 April 2014

Cake & Shopping

Today, I had the privilege of meeting Hannah from Tea Three Sugars in Liverpool for a cheeky shop!

My day started with another jab for Thailand (which actually really hurt!) so it was such a nice pick me up to be going shopping with Hannah. I have followed Hannah for a while now, and spoken to her online before, and I can genuinely say that she is one of the nicest and most generous people I've ever met.

We started in Primark - and if you don't know, the Primark in Liverpool is HUGE - and worked out way around the city. We both love Paperchase so spent some time in there, obviously not coming away empty handed. I  managed to buy some running jogging bottoms, a cute bambi t-shirt and some travel adapters for Thailand as well :) We also stopped in John Lewis cafe for a cake and a good ol' natter too. I had a triple chocolate muffin whilst Hannah opted for a millionaires shortbread. It's stuff like this that would have seem completely impossible 2 years ago yet now, I actually look forward to it!

It's time like this that I love the fact we have internet. Although people are skeptical about meeting people, sometimes it's worth it. I had such a lovely day with Hannah - she was such a pleasure to be with all day, and I hope it's not the last time I see her!





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Tuesday, 1 April 2014

1st April

Today is the beginning of yet another new month, and it has been rather beautiful really. I started my day by creating a new personal best in my running training, and came home to see that I've hit £500 towards my fundraising total for Thailand. I don't think many people were smiling as much as me at 9am this morning! 

From here on, I've been rather content all day really. The sun has been absolutely glorious, and although I wouldn't say I've been able to get rid of my winter coat, it's been so nice to actually soak up some Vitamin D! I even managed to wash my bedding - I think that's the ultimate domestic act for a student, right? It's definitely a sign of a good day in my books. I think the sunshine plays a huge part in how I style myself too. If the sun is shining, I actually feel like making an effort rather than just trying to retain body heat in huge chunky knitwear and boots. I walked to Uni with my Raybans and a statement necklace, and was genuinely just lovin' life (corny but true!).

I hope the 1st April is a mark to say the whole of April will be good. I have plans to meet new friends, attend a training session for Thailand, go home for Easter and say goodbye to my teenager years this month! 

It really has been a good day.


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