Tuesday, 10 December 2013

Fear of Failure

Yesterday, I received an assignment grade back that definitely was not my best. In fact, it was FAR from it and a lot lower than I'd have expected, liked or wanted! It's only one grade and I know that if I achieve better than this in future, then it won't have any major impact on my overall degree but I cannot stop thinking about it. I clearly cannot deal with failing.
Not only do I feel like I've let myself down, but I also feel like I'm letting my family down and my friends, who believe I can do so well, down. I am disappointed with myself and embarrassed that I did not do well. I also feel like everyone else is disappointed with me, as I am usually the one who they are always proud of for doing well, and this time I have not. 
I have though, realised how much pressure I put on myself and how much pressure other people have put on me to succeed. This pressure is not something that I should perhaps be carrying around with me, all day everyday. I did my best on that assignment, and that's all that should matter really? However, because I've not achieved what everyone expects of me, my best seems to be not good enough any more. 
Also, it's time like this when I realise how big the link between Anorexia and fear of failing really is. It's ONE mark, yet I feel as though my whole world has come crashing down. Like I am no longer good enough for anyone any more. That if I am not perfect, then what is the point? But that's the thing, perfection does not exist and me wanting to constantly chase it, is unhealthy and detrimental in itself. As soon as I saw the mark, I could feel myself wanting to resort back to old behaviours because they are my way of coping. My way of feeling numb. I guess they are my way of becoming invisible so that I don't disappoint anyone.
I think that fact that I'm acknowledging this though, is a huge step forward. Even though my thinking is clearly still disordered, I am no longer willing to act on them. I can only do my best and that will have to do! 
And in light of this, I am going to demolish a quality street chocolate bar to cheer me up. It's Christmas after all.




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2 comments

Sarah Leanne Photography said...

You are so beautiful inside and out. This has touched my heart deeply as I am going through a very similar frame of mind. But you are right in that it is amazing to be acknowledging that this mind set is completely self-destructive and will not make anything better. With this, I am going to try my best to strive on a fight for my future to go in the right direction. Thank you x

Josie said...

Boo to whoever graded that assignment! Getting graded was one of the things I hated about being in education, I got good grades most of the time but when I didn't I just thought 'Who the hell are you to tell me that something I worked hard on isn't all that?' haha. I see it as just being their opinion, someone else might read it and think it was fab. Unless it's a subject with solid answers like maths or science I feel confused how other work can be given a grade unless the person has clearly put no effort in.
No one likes getting a bad grade, I think it can make even the people who don't care about good marks feel annoyed but please don't let it undermine all the brilliant things you've achieved this year and will go on to achieve next year! You're right, no one is perfect (not even me ;) ) and I agree that you acknowledging those feelings IS a big step forward xxx

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