Sunday, 20 October 2013

Trust

I am a strong believer in being in control of the direction my life will take (perhaps a little too much considering the eating disorder I'm recovering from is all about control!) and trusting myself to do the right thing. 
I have been conversing with my Dad a lot recently, as he is struggling with his OCD more than usual, and I find myself telling him to trust himself. When explaining a mental illness to someone, I tend to say (maybe incorrectly) that it is like living with someone sitting on your shoulder. You have your own thoughts and identity, but you also carry around this other set of thoughts. These ones are brimming with negativity, anxiety and self-doubt, and the only way to relieve yourself of these are to a) listen to them and b) go ahead with whatever it is that they are telling you to do. However, by doing this, you are not being yourself and ironically you are not in control of your own life at all. All of your trust is in a negative, destructive illness - one in which we all know can have life threatening consequences. 
These conversations have actually made me question whether I actually trust myself yet and if I'm honest, I still think the answer is no. If someone asks why I still calorie count, I answer with 'because what if I over eat?'. That in itself is a prime example of not trusting yourself to stop when you're full. My real question though, is why don't I trust myself? I've never done anything unworthy of my own trust and I can't think of a logical reason
I think when we trust ourselves, however difficult it may be, we will feel in control of our lives rather than constantly being controlled, and ultimately happy. I'm not saying that I don't trust myself at all - there are aspects of my life in which I am becoming happy with. This week I was awarded an academic scholarship for my grade last year, something in which I worked hard for and I'm now proud of. I know where I want to go in life, in terms of my career, and I trust myself to get me there. But with my recovery, I'm evidently not quite there. There is nothing physically stopping me from waking up tomorrow and eating what I want, when I want. 
I need trust myself and the process.
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1 comment

hannah said...

I think you're doing really well Samantha, and congratulations on your academic scholarship! You must have worked so hard :) I know you'll get to where you want to be in terms of your recovery, it will just take more time xxx

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