Monday, 22 July 2013

Dear Father..

I do not live with my Dad and I'm not particularly close to him, but I feel there is a bond between us that holds us together regardless. Maybe it's because we both suffer from mental illnesses. I think I automatically feel protective over him and want to make sure he's OK. I think it's this protective nature that I'd like to receive in return sometimes - his extra support would mean the world to me.
However, he cannot do this if he doesn't know. I have never told my Dad (or any of my family) about the events of August 2012. The behaviors/feelings, appointments and referrals that I went through. They are all a secret and I'm beginning to think I don't want them to be any longer. I don't want to be hidden from him any longer. 
But, how the hell do you go about bringing something like this up? I know 1:1 is best but I know I'd just break down into tears. There would be no clarity or flow to what I'd want to explain. I have written it down, in a letter to him. This letter has been sitting in the same place for days now and I have no strength to post it. I could never imagine receiving something like that from my own daughter - especially with no warning. I could post it and warn him that he'd be receiving something extremely personal but I still don't know whether that's the right thing to do.
I fear he'd feel guilty for me not being able to turn to him at the time or him not being there for me. Ignorance is bliss, as they say, so what he does not know cannot hurt him. This is the argument that wins every time I think about bringing it up. Maybe I am best leaving the past where it belongs. In the past.

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