Saturday, 8 June 2013

Perfection


Per·fec·tion

 
noun
  1. the state or quality of being or becoming perfect.
  2. the highest degree of proficiency, skill, or excellence, as in some art
  3. a perfect embodiment or example of something
  4. a quality, trait, or feature of the highest degree of excellence
  5. the highest or most nearly perfect degree of a quality or trait.
I was out at the pub last night, talking away to a very close friend about how I've been lately. The answer is usually 'up and down', which it was last night. Next week, I am jetting off the Spain for a week with my best friend to be in the glorious sunshine, sunbathing by the pool, sipping cocktails and eating ice cream. It all sounds very beautiful and yes I am so very much looking forward to it. I'm excited to be going on holiday where I am the responsible adult - having no one pestering us, looking after passports, deciding what we do etc.
However, nothing is ever that simple. Bluntly, I am terrified. Terrified of not knowing every calorific value of the food that passes my lips; of not simply being able to relax on the beach because I'm too wrapped up in how I look; of not being able to enjoy a cocktail in the evening and therefore letting my best friend down; and finally, TERRIFIED of holiday weight gain. 
Basically, I expect perfection. 
But, I know that this does not exist. This state that I expect from my myself is simply unattainable and is once again, controlling me. I am exercising in attempt to 'tone', choosing healthy options over unhealthy options despite having the same calorific value. This is partly fueled by looking like I've 'let go'. I can't stand to think that people assume I've suddenly become lazy, unhealthy and ultimately that I'm fine. I still have a long way to go.. but it's very difficult to explain to someone, when you're a healthy weight, that sometimes you're petrified of eating a piece of fruit.
I know that it's just one week. I know that I can undo anything that I don't like. And knowing all of this makes it so frustrating. I am always wanting to alter something to make it 'perfect' and therefore, setting myself up for failure before I've even begun. It's all so tiring - exhausting. I often wonder whether I'll ever be satisfied with anything. Always striving for something unattainable, the idea of a perfect life.
I know I have defined perfection above, but I still don't actually know what it really is or means.

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