Monday, 24 June 2013

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Since returning from Spain, I have done nothing but work, run a house and think. I think I am beginning to question what I am doing in regards to me own recovery and whether I'm actually progressing towards what I thought was a finish line. 
At the moment I am experiencing life again, enjoying new things and relearning who I am and what I love. I guess it's rediscovering everything I stopped when fully consumed by this illness. I am proud to be able to say that I am no longer in that place but it still frustrates me when I know that I am not where I want to be. Every time something new or challenging comes along, I dip my toe into the water and then come out instead of fully embracing what the water has to offer. 
I need to stop running away from what life has to fully offer me. Instead of wasting my energy thinking of reasons and excuses, I need to jump in and surround myself with the glistening, refreshing water and swim. Because until I do, I will only continue to miss out on life.
Today, I am making a start and getting into the water at least. For too long I have weighed myself every single week, but as of today, this is being reduced. It may causes problems but instead of getting out of the water, I have to start swimming. Ignorance is bliss so they say, and I know that not knowing some insignificant numbers will eventually feel liberating and not stressful.
I don't think there is a finish line any more because once I reach that line, I don't want to stop swimming. I want to keep swimming and never look back.
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Thursday, 20 June 2013

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Earlier, I returned from my first holiday abroad without a responsible adult. I visited Benalmadena in Spain, with my best friend where we soaked up the vitamin D, explored and read numerous books. Although the nightlife was fairly quiet, we still managed to enjoy a cheeky cocktail near the beach at night and were treated to evening shows.
I don't want to write much about how it was to be away with a mental illness because it wasn't easy but it was an experience and something that wasn't taken away from me, like many experiences have been over the past 2 years. And for that, I am proud of myself for going and allowing things to 'just be'.

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Saturday, 8 June 2013

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  1. the state or quality of being or becoming perfect.
  2. the highest degree of proficiency, skill, or excellence, as in some art
  3. a perfect embodiment or example of something
  4. a quality, trait, or feature of the highest degree of excellence
  5. the highest or most nearly perfect degree of a quality or trait.
I was out at the pub last night, talking away to a very close friend about how I've been lately. The answer is usually 'up and down', which it was last night. Next week, I am jetting off the Spain for a week with my best friend to be in the glorious sunshine, sunbathing by the pool, sipping cocktails and eating ice cream. It all sounds very beautiful and yes I am so very much looking forward to it. I'm excited to be going on holiday where I am the responsible adult - having no one pestering us, looking after passports, deciding what we do etc.
However, nothing is ever that simple. Bluntly, I am terrified. Terrified of not knowing every calorific value of the food that passes my lips; of not simply being able to relax on the beach because I'm too wrapped up in how I look; of not being able to enjoy a cocktail in the evening and therefore letting my best friend down; and finally, TERRIFIED of holiday weight gain. 
Basically, I expect perfection. 
But, I know that this does not exist. This state that I expect from my myself is simply unattainable and is once again, controlling me. I am exercising in attempt to 'tone', choosing healthy options over unhealthy options despite having the same calorific value. This is partly fueled by looking like I've 'let go'. I can't stand to think that people assume I've suddenly become lazy, unhealthy and ultimately that I'm fine. I still have a long way to go.. but it's very difficult to explain to someone, when you're a healthy weight, that sometimes you're petrified of eating a piece of fruit.
I know that it's just one week. I know that I can undo anything that I don't like. And knowing all of this makes it so frustrating. I am always wanting to alter something to make it 'perfect' and therefore, setting myself up for failure before I've even begun. It's all so tiring - exhausting. I often wonder whether I'll ever be satisfied with anything. Always striving for something unattainable, the idea of a perfect life.
I know I have defined perfection above, but I still don't actually know what it really is or means.

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