Wednesday, 3 April 2013

Talking Mental Health

It has recently occurred to me, that I can't keep talking about my mental health problems forever. I'm also questionning whether it's healthy to work in an environment which may/may not involve eating disorder sufferers.
Through blogging and twitter, I have made many friends, read many articles and stumbled across many videos, all in which aid recovery or talk about their personal stories. These things truly fascinate me and the people I've met, I will be eternally grateful to have them in my life, and I don't want to lose them.
However, the longer this goes on, the more I'm beginning to think it's feeding my illness rather than helping. The reason I choose not to look at celeb based magazines is because I'm drawn to how much weight someone has lost/gained or the diet pages. Neither of which do me or anyone any good. And it's the same talking about eating disorders.

The longer I talk about having this illness, the longer I'm going to have it. See, for me to talk about it means I have to still suffer. Sure, I can talk about past experiences to someone in the future (if I ever recover), but that isn't the same as regurgitating the same thoughts and feelings every day. It's common sense, but the more I weigh ourselves and count calories and talk about how I feel, to more time I devote to an eating disorder. I can go round and round in circles spending precious time on something that isn't worth a millisecond. And the longer it continues, the harder it becomes to break the vicious cycle. Being in London last week with Amy (amychoselife.blogspot.co.uk) taught me that I don't have to live life by a routine. And my god, it's ridiculous! Do you know how stupid it can sound if I said to you 'Sorry, I can't come out tonight because I need my evening snack at 7:30pm'. Sure, I'm eating but I'm not living. Purely existing. 
I just think there has to come a time in which to fully recover, we have to stop talking and start doing. I'm not saying I'm ready just yet, but surely that's the nature of this illness? We can't make a half hearted attempt, we must completely let go.
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2 comments

Tanya Beetham said...

I agree entirely - I decided this a while ago when my 'crazy' friends became my actual friends who I laughed with and lived with and shared my life with, and the others kind of fizzled out. Friendship and life and love is based on FAR more than an eating disorder or mental illness and mostly, when we read or talk or write or involve ourselves with something purely because it makes us feel less lonely and isolated in our own disorder or recovery, I genuinely think we must question the reasons we've sought that comfort, or whatever it is, in the first place. It most likely isn't coming from an interest in living life - it's probably coming from that illness part of our brain that is desperately clinging onto the remains of something we spend each day fighting to get rid of.
Partly written from my reflections on myself at the moment - none of us are perfect. I know if I had fully let my eating disorder go, I wouldn't be writing my dissertation about eating disorders, but unfortunately, it's the only thing I am able to fully engage myself in, so I may as well get a good dissertation out of the thing that destroys half my life anyway!

ruby-tuesday said...

I've been thinking the same thing myself recently
I've pulled away from my blog slightly because it was starting to become unhealthy
I was nearly actively seeking disordered behaviour just so I could write about it

I am far from recovery
I'm in therapy but have made precious little progress (in my eyes)
My world has shrunk to just me and my illness
I'm paralysed by fear and anxiety but I keep going as best I can

I'm glad I read this post today, it made things a little clearer in my own mind

Wishing you health and happiness with your recovery x

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