Friday, 26 April 2013


“Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all.”

I think this is a very well known saying, but it's something I stumbled across last night whilst reading an insightful book. I can only really relate this to my own situation right now, as in that I very much need to find some inner courage. I don't know why it has suddenly become so important to me that I must fully recover, but it is always on my mind.
This stage of being stuck is becoming old and tiring, and I desperately need to move forward. I have been here for too long. Trying hard enough to eat but only really sticking to safety. From the outside looking in, I am fine. Almost a fraud really because I'm a healthy weight and I eat and enjoy chocolate and cake. However, I'm not challenging anything - I turn down social occasions, I don't try new meals or eat out often because quite simply, I have to be in control. 
So, I can say I have started to make the effort to eat a little bit more. Not much, but it's better than nothing. I just hate the way it makes you feel. Feeling like the biggest person on earth, that if you gain loads more then your clothes will no longer fit. I almost want my body to reflect the inner, ongoing battle that is taking place in my head, just so that people understand a little more.
Last night, I started to speak to an amazing girl named Meg (and I truly hope this continues!). It was nothing more than uplifting to listen to her advice and see just how far she's come. Sure, things aren't dandy everyday, but she's still trying and she challenges things. She is courageous. 
I have to find the courage to face the unknown too. Fear of the unknown is quite possibly the hardest fear to face. It's like jumping out of a parachute and not knowing where you will end up or how you find your way home. On that journey you face challenges but you'd also discover new places and curiosity for life takes over. 
That is what I want more than anything now, my desire to live my life to it's full potential back.

1 comment

Tanya Beetham said...

I was thinking just this morning how wonderful it is that I can tell there's no doubt in your mind that you want to fully recover... You don't mess around. Keep that fight.
PS I really like the opening quote x

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