Thursday, 14 March 2013

Merry Go Round

I think there is only so long that someone can do the same thing over and over, before it becomes completely monotonous and boring. That's where I am right now and I have no clue how to progress any further. 
I would say I am very much into the recovery process with regards to my own mental health but I've become some what trapped by a safe routine. I know that the amount that I eat now will not make me gain any weight - simply fluctuate a few pounds each week. I would say I am willing to eat most things now, including indulgent treats but only if they fall under this number in which I allow myself. 
However, even though medically I'm a 'healthy' weight, it's still quite a low healthy weight and in essence, I know I have to gain more weight because I am still infertile (which is not something I want to be!) and my energy levels are appalling. But, I don't want to. I've gained a stone and I don't think I can cope with gaining any more. What if my natural set point is much much bigger than this? I don't want to have to buy a new wardrobe, in fact I don't want to buy any other size than this - even smaller sizes make me cringe. 
All I can think about at the moment is the calorific content of everything I eat and that I want to be a stone lighter, which would undo all of the progress I have recently made. If I don't like my appearance now, then how will I ever learn to like it if I were any bigger? And I think being this healthy weight makes it harder. From the outside looking in, when people see me eating a KitKat, they presume I'm eating again and everything is fine. In fact, it's not because all of those disordered patterns remain and I have no clue how to get rid of them. Maybe it's getting rid of the scales? Trying a blind meal (without knowing the nutritional values)? I just don't know.
So many if's and but's occur every time I try to change this routine that I've become accustomed to, that it's just so much easier to have another go on this ever lasting merry go round that I seemed to have created. 

1 comment

Tanya Beetham said...

sam my beautiful friend, nothing remains the same forever. Things become unstuck and even merry go rounds stop for breaks and change their tune. You can do this xxx

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