Saturday, 30 March 2013

London

So, as most of you will know, this week I embarked on a journey to London to meet the fabulous Amy. Someone who has inspired, comforted and been there for me in my darkest hour. We met at Euston, and from that point we never stopped. From Camden to Covent garden, then to watch Matilda the Musical followed by a beautiful evening by the London Eye and River Thames. Our second day was filled with a trip down the entire of Oxford St. creating huge dents in our bank balances, and dinner out in Amy's local pub. 
Unfortunately, the whole thing was over way too quickly, and my train was cancelled which meant an anxiety provoking end for us both, but my goodness, it was so worth it!
The show was absolutely amazing and it was so nice to feel 'at home'. As a performer, I have been stripped of the energy to carry on with my passion, but sharing the experience with Amy has reminded me that I can do that again. And I will. It was also fantastic to treat ourselves (and each other) - I think two MAC Lipsticks each was definitely a good move ;)

Originally, I was terrified of being out of my comfort zone. Going away means eating out. It means being normal, which to someone who is driven by safe rules and routines, it's petrifying. But you know what, food was put back in it's place this week. It was fuel for walking miles, it was a past time for conversation with someone amazing AND it was a treat - something in which I had forgotten about.
I am also quite proud of myself and believe this was a very important step on the road towards recovery. Not only in regards to food, but life itself. Having a train cancelled for me, is my worst nightmare. I get so anxious on trains anyway and have to know exactly what I'm doing and where I'm going, well in advanced. Sudden change causes panic! However, I am so glad it happened. I recently read that fear is life's biggest enemy and it really is. It's the only thing in our way. I have seen a lot of the country over the past few days (as I also had to get back to Uni, to work today), but it meant stepping up and taking some responsibility.

And finally, when you read this Amy, thank you. Thank you for the best two days I've had for a long time. I really will never forget it.



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Friday, 22 March 2013

End of Semester 2

So, I woke up 4 hours ago with the intention of going to the final lecture of this term, only to be greeted with a bomb load of snow! Being the perfectionist that I am, I struggled through it and still made it on time. And of course, I worked so hard on all assignments this week so that they are ALL complete meaning no work over Easter :-)
On Sunday, I am returning home to what will be a very busy week. Theatre trip on Monday, then London on Wednesday, only to return home on Friday to then come back to Uni to work the Saturday (to then come home again!). It's like waiting for a bus.. you either get 0 or 5 at once! Nevertheless, it is a week that shall be thoroughly enjoyed by many, I hope.
It's scary to think that after Easter, I only have about 3 weeks of Uni left. It feels like only yesterday that I arrived here as a Fresher, unable to even do laundry. I am looking forward to this break though. I have become a workaholic, taking on shifts that I know I'm too tired to do and combining it with a full time degree. It will be nice to actually relax!
Of course, I am also dreading the return home, again. Disruption to routine can sometimes be detrimental and not having the space to be alone when I need to be is difficult. More food in the house and less control over life is not a good thing ha! But, it's another challenge to face and I will get through it. 

It's also my Birthday over Easter, and to be honest, I'm not looking forward to it. A big fuss, drinks, meals out, a cake? I can't remember the last time I had a Birthday cake.. maybe this year I should. I never feel as though I deserve any of it. OH and there's Easter itself!
I think it's times like this in which you have to stop and live in the present. There really is no point in worrying about something that isn't happening right now! We must live in the moment.

My morning view from my room!
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Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Results


If you remember, I went for a blood test 2 weeks ago and the results came back normal. Part of me is grateful that the chemical balance is fine, even after all the damage I’ve done to it. But then part of me is considerably frustrated as I will remain exhausted until I decide to eat more. It can’t be treated so yet again, I have to face more weight gain.
Before I do this though, I’m going to see whether my coffee intake causes this constant fatigue! I have cut down from anything around 8 cups (yes, I am aware that’s extremely unhealthy!) to only 2 cups in the morning. I have swapped caffeine for fruity/herbal tea, and after a week, I think maybe it has something to do with it. However, a week is not long enough to actually know anything!
On another note, I break up for Easter this weekend and it can’t come any faster. I really need this break to restore some positivity – starting with visiting Amy next week, to see Matilda the Musical.
Is it really only Tuesday?
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Thursday, 14 March 2013

Merry Go Round


















I think there is only so long that someone can do the same thing over and over, before it becomes completely monotonous and boring. That's where I am right now and I have no clue how to progress any further. 
I would say I am very much into the recovery process with regards to my own mental health but I've become some what trapped by a safe routine. I know that the amount that I eat now will not make me gain any weight - simply fluctuate a few pounds each week. I would say I am willing to eat most things now, including indulgent treats but only if they fall under this number in which I allow myself. 
However, even though medically I'm a 'healthy' weight, it's still quite a low healthy weight and in essence, I know I have to gain more weight because I am still infertile (which is not something I want to be!) and my energy levels are appalling. But, I don't want to. I've gained a stone and I don't think I can cope with gaining any more. What if my natural set point is much much bigger than this? I don't want to have to buy a new wardrobe, in fact I don't want to buy any other size than this - even smaller sizes make me cringe. 
All I can think about at the moment is the calorific content of everything I eat and that I want to be a stone lighter, which would undo all of the progress I have recently made. If I don't like my appearance now, then how will I ever learn to like it if I were any bigger? And I think being this healthy weight makes it harder. From the outside looking in, when people see me eating a KitKat, they presume I'm eating again and everything is fine. In fact, it's not because all of those disordered patterns remain and I have no clue how to get rid of them. Maybe it's getting rid of the scales? Trying a blind meal (without knowing the nutritional values)? I just don't know.
So many if's and but's occur every time I try to change this routine that I've become accustomed to, that it's just so much easier to have another go on this ever lasting merry go round that I seemed to have created. 

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Monday, 11 March 2013

Just fine

Sometimes I just do not know what goes on in my own head. I have spent the whole evening longing for one person in particular to ask me how I am. I practically set the conversation up so that she would have to ask me, and in an ideal a world I'd have responded truthfully. However, why then is it I decide to give the ultimate response of I'm fine.
Everybody knows that those two little words mean anything but what they say. They also mean do not pursue this conversation because I don't want to talk about anything. But I do! I really do want to talk about everything, even though I've been over it a million times and there's nothing new to add. I think it's just reassurance that I'm lacking right now. Being at Uni is great for me, I can breathe. I can have my good days and I can have my bad days, and no one is there to question or comment on either one. But, there are times in which you really do just want those who have been through everything with you, to be there, even just to hug you and tell you that it really will be just fine.
I really do need to stop being stubborn and accept help
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Friday, 8 March 2013

Are you serious?!

One thing that I DO like about myself, is that I'd drop anything if someone needed help or advice. And if I don't know the answer, I'd still listen and try to help in any way possible. However, yesterday this was some what abused.
Someone who I know has suffered from mental illness and low self esteem and knows about my eating disorder came to me asking advice yesterday. To begin with, I was so pleased that she had asked for help and reached out. After all, that's how mental illnesses will be beaten! Unfortunately, what followed just left me utterly speechless.
'What's the best way to lose weight?'
I don't tend to swear in writing but seriously, what the actual fuck?! Who in the right mind asks a recovering anorexic how to lose weight? It really did sort of feel like some sick joke, and I couldn't help but feel kind of insulted. It's quite clearly a huge weakness of mine and that question just pokes at unhealed wounds. In all honesty, I don't know how to lose weight correctly and I certainly will not be giving advice about how I personally lost my weight. It's not healthy, it's not cool and it's certainly nothing to be proud of. And you know what, I'd give anything to be able to eat freely like she can. 
And you know what the worst part of this is, she's probably a size 10/12 if that. She doesn't need to lose weight. 
I am willing to offer anyone help and advice, but yesterday I realized there is a line that cannot be crossed.
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Thursday, 7 March 2013

Blood

This morning I had a blood test, one of my biggest fears. I'm not afraid of the pain, in fact the pain doesn't bother me. I just hate the idea of it! And, as usual I always have to wait 20 minutes with the nurses afterwards because I can't see or stand up properly. This time was a new all time low - I had to have a drumstick from the kid's cupboard! I know this sounds bad, but I hope there is something wrong so it can be treated. I don't want it to be something else that is psychological!
But hey, there's my fear conquered for today (and here's some pictures, because obviously we have to document these things!) ;)





























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Monday, 4 March 2013

Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?


So, I’m sitting here a few kilo’s heavier than I would like to be, drugged up to the eyeballs with paracetamol and beechams lemon cold and flu sachet things, dancing to the we will rock you soundtrack. And you know what, those few pounds seems some what irrelevant (because my hot chocolate kinda tastes better..)
I’ve dyed my hair back to bright red, bought some quirky M&M earrings and I’m seeing my Mum tomorrow to go shopping in Manchester.. will probably get her to pay for a cheeky Nando’s! This is what I have missed: shopping, fashion, my sense of individuality. Musicals are my first love – I can sing practically anything, and if on the off chance I don’t know it, I’ll learn it and get back to you! ;) I feel like MYSELF.
I also went to the Doctors this morning because I’m so tired all of the time. Not the tired after a long day but tired as in you have 11 hours sleep and then wake up with dark circles and feeling like you’ve had 11 seconds sleep instead. I’m going for a blood test on Thursday (hopefully) to see what is wrong, and I hope there is something actually because then at least I can put it right. For those that don’t know, needles to me are like spiders to arachnophobic’s! Knowing me though, I’ll be the healthiest f*cker on this planet and my fatigue will be some psychological problem – something else to add to a list of problems haha.
BUT, I shall cross this bridge on Thursday and for now continue to sing along to Queen’s masterpieces.. cos tonight, I’m gonna have myself a real good timeeeeee
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Friday, 1 March 2013

Happy March

'If you love life, don't waste time, for time is what life is made up of'

I literally don't know where time is going. A tutor of mine today mentioned that we are now half way through the second semester, which basically means we have hardly any time left. March will be quite busy for me.  Final assignments will soon be under way, I am visiting a close friend in London over Easter (and hopefully one in York - yes, Tanya, I mean you!). Special birthdays are to be celebrated and I have a job that I seem to be doing more and more.
Meanwhile, time is ticking. Today a different tutor of mine made me laugh - more laughing at her but still! And it occurred to me that I don't spend much time laughing. I can achieve the highest grades, have the best job and earn a highly paid salary, but what's that worth if I'm not enjoying my time. 
For me, March brings the idea of Spring and with that, new beginnings, fresh starts. My aim is to start enjoying my time. After all, we can't get it back.

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