Thursday, 24 January 2013

Missing your former self

I am beginning to realise that there are many phases to the recovery process. The newest trial that I am finding is that I am missing my underweight state. I didn't think it was at all attractive but it's just something about being constantly cold, exhausted and quite skeletal that provided an element of strength. It's not easy living off a minimal amount of food each, but I was doing it and I felt so strong. There was no reward, unless you count seeing a number go down rewarding - which it can be if you are losing weight for healthy reasons - but in this case, it's more of a punishment. A form of self-destruction.
By regaining some weight, and eating foods that I once loved is slowly beginning to feel like I've 'given in'. I am not strong or good enough to keep losing weight and I couldn't stick to it - almost like failing. Obviously, this is a load of bulsh*t. We have to eat to stay alive but I feel so weak and vulnerable. 
I don't think I look particularly unwell any more either. I look a healthy weight, mainly because I am but sometimes healthy translates as 'fat'. I think the thing with anorexic's, is that you cling onto your eating disorder. It's a shield, a wall that protects you. To become well, you have to let go but letting go is the hardest thing. We all like to feel 'special' and being underweight is a way of doing that for me. It makes me different from many of those around me. 
Of course, it's not special at all. It's ridiculous and exhausting and in some cases, life threatening. But even after weighing up all of that, I still miss my former self.
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2 comments

melrose said...

That former self is you, it's apart of you and I think that's why it is so difficult to let go of -if even possible. That longing/missing/craving is so dangerous because it clouds the reasons why you do not miss your former self. I'm sure you know; but always remember why you don't want to be that eating disordered self.
Hope you are well, sorry for the lecture haha ;]
Lots of love xx

Samantha Betteridge said...

Thank you so much for this, it made me smile :-)
Hope you are well xxx

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