Wednesday, 9 January 2013

An Appointment!

As you may or may not know, I don't receive any form of treatment or therapy. Stupid or brave, I still don't know but sometimes I collect a pool of questions that I have to have answered so I booked an appointment with the consultant nurse at my home Eating Disorder clinic, which I attended today.
The main thing I think that is playing on my mind, is whether people with eating disorders actually ever recover, or they just have to accept their obsessional behaviours and find a way of coping and managing daily life. I am getting the a stage now, where I'm a healthy weight and to be honest, DON'T want to gain any more. I think my brain has had enough now. I've accepted weight gain. I'm eating more food. I'm not exercising much - I am happy here. 
However, I still count every number, obsess over certain things, struggle to eat out etc. To me, that doesn't sound like someone who is free of an eating disorder, and apparently it's not. 
Fortunately, she was extremely nice to me and applauded me on how 'well' I'd done alone. She also gave me some extremely useful tips on how to reintroduce foods slowly and maintaining this weight - and also suggested that maybe I should put a few more pounds on (for god's sake!)
Ultimately though, the answer to whether I get rid of this illness is my own personal choice. I can be given all the advice in the world but it's still my decision as to whether I act on it. For me to get better, I have to start taking risks and accepting challenges, and I am seriously considering it. I am getting so fed up of missing out and not experiencing life and I can feel myself slipping into a depressed state because I am unable to eat what I want. I have to beat this!
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2 comments

Amy-Louise said...

Lovely post.
I don't think there is a clear definition of 'recovery' as it's different to each person. I would argue I have disordered thoughts on occasion, but I am not eating-disordered anymore. I do feel that people have the ability to be free of eating disordered behaviours for good and can wean themselves out of it and believe it is totally 100% possible.

You have been extremely brave to go it alone without therapy but remember that even without it you have come SO far, it's really admirable to watch. You know exactly what you want and you know how to achieve it, and I know you CAN do it!

Go girl :D

Josie said...

You should be so proud of how well you've been doing by yourself, you've done amazingly! It's great that you went to see the nurse though, I bet that wasn't the easiest thing to do. It's so great that you're so determined to beat this, I've no doubt that one day you will. Remember I'm here whenever you wanna chat (although I know I'm sooo slow at replying sometimes haha!) xxxx

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