Missing your former self

Thursday, 24 January 2013

I am beginning to realise that there are many phases to the recovery process. The newest trial that I am finding is that I am missing my underweight state. I didn't think it was at all attractive but it's just something about being constantly cold, exhausted and quite skeletal that provided an element of strength. It's not easy living off a minimal amount of food each, but I was doing it and I felt so strong. There was no reward, unless you count seeing a number go down rewarding - which it can be if you are losing weight for healthy reasons - but in this case, it's more of a punishment. A form of self-destruction.
By regaining some weight, and eating foods that I once loved is slowly beginning to feel like I've 'given in'. I am not strong or good enough to keep losing weight and I couldn't stick to it - almost like failing. Obviously, this is a load of bulsh*t. We have to eat to stay alive but I feel so weak and vulnerable. 
I don't think I look particularly unwell any more either. I look a healthy weight, mainly because I am but sometimes healthy translates as 'fat'. I think the thing with anorexic's, is that you cling onto your eating disorder. It's a shield, a wall that protects you. To become well, you have to let go but letting go is the hardest thing. We all like to feel 'special' and being underweight is a way of doing that for me. It makes me different from many of those around me. 
Of course, it's not special at all. It's ridiculous and exhausting and in some cases, life threatening. But even after weighing up all of that, I still miss my former self.
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Semester 2!

Sunday, 20 January 2013

I returned to Uni yesterday, a day early because of the weather and we didn't want to risk being stuck today as I am supposed to have lectures tomorrow. It was strange, returning. Before Christmas, I didn't want to come home. I loved it here. The independence, the course itself. 
I don't know what changed over Christmas but now I feel as though I've returned because it's what I'm meant to be doing. Don't misunderstand, I want a degree and I will do it.. I still love my Psychology course. But, I think 'living' is overrated. Over Christmas I have done nothing apart from the odd shift at my home store. No going out when the milk has run dry, no laundry, fully working internet and TV. Why would anyone want to return to none of those things?
Secondly, my flatmate and I put the world to rights last night, and decided that meeting people wasn't all it's cracked up to be. The amount of times I've heard 'the people you meet at Uni are your friends for life'. Are they? Because I can count on two hands the amount of people that I actually trust and would call a 'friend'. I know many people and I will have a laugh and talk to many, but they're not what I consider friends. My main friends are at home and right now, I kind of just want to be with them. Home comforts I guess.
I think last night, we were both in negative moods! We discussed next year and the sheer fact we will both be struggling for cash as living goes up a notch! Bills, internet, TV license etc why does everything have to cost?! And even though I'm sorted for a house and signing the tenancy agreement tomorrow, how am I supposed to know who I want to live with after only three months? That's no time at all. I am NOT old enough for this.. evidently this can be confirmed by the fact I have been watching disney films all weekend and will now continue to do so!
Maybe this is what they call being homesick? Something I've never been before..
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Friday, 18 January 2013

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I personally am not a fan of winter or snow. It's too cold and wet :-( It's also becoming a bit of a worry as I'm supposed to return to Uni this weekend so I think it's going to be more of a 'quick, get in the car, it's stopped snowing' moment, when I actually do go!
However, if I'm more positive, it is very beautiful. The white blanket covering the ground is something that we take for granted, and like me, moan about. If we stop to look, it's much easier to appreciate the extraordinary scenery. So, here are pictures of the front/back of my house so you can enjoy my view too.

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Monday, 14 January 2013

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I apologise in advance as this is a post that really doesn't go anywhere! 
After any kind of medical appointment, I think everyone reflects what was said, and if it's physical health, what was done. For me, it's this small conversation that occurred about treating yourself. I think defining a 'treat' is extremely difficult and it is subjective. When I was larger and starting out losing weight for healthy reasons, I swapped chocolate and cakes for clothes and make up - more materialistic type treats - and a hell of a lot more expensive! But, now I think about it, chocolate wasn't a treat for me, it was an everyday occurrence - surely that's not what a treat is? 
I still choose possessions over food, but now I'm thinking that they aren't treats as such either. I work up to 16 hours a week, so if I want something, I usually buy it. I work hard for it, so why shouldn't I? But, if I do this often and so easily, I'm not sure whether it counts.
The consultant nurse that I saw said I should 'treat' myself once a week, and she meant eat something I want. Forget about numbers and just enjoy it. But then I argued that a scheduled treat isn't something that's normal. Don't we have to do something to deserve a treat? It's a reward? (I am open to opinions!)
I love chocolate and cake as much as the next person. In fact, I do eat chocolate a few times a week but it's not the chocolate bar of my choice as such. It is something small, something that my mind can cope with. I would f*cking love a big fat double decker or mars bar! And this is what she meant. She suggested I eat something like this...
BUT, if I don't want to eat it then how is it a treat? And, how often are you actually supposed to 'treat' yourself?
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An Appointment!

Wednesday, 9 January 2013

As you may or may not know, I don't receive any form of treatment or therapy. Stupid or brave, I still don't know but sometimes I collect a pool of questions that I have to have answered so I booked an appointment with the consultant nurse at my home Eating Disorder clinic, which I attended today.
The main thing I think that is playing on my mind, is whether people with eating disorders actually ever recover, or they just have to accept their obsessional behaviours and find a way of coping and managing daily life. I am getting the a stage now, where I'm a healthy weight and to be honest, DON'T want to gain any more. I think my brain has had enough now. I've accepted weight gain. I'm eating more food. I'm not exercising much - I am happy here. 
However, I still count every number, obsess over certain things, struggle to eat out etc. To me, that doesn't sound like someone who is free of an eating disorder, and apparently it's not. 
Fortunately, she was extremely nice to me and applauded me on how 'well' I'd done alone. She also gave me some extremely useful tips on how to reintroduce foods slowly and maintaining this weight - and also suggested that maybe I should put a few more pounds on (for god's sake!)
Ultimately though, the answer to whether I get rid of this illness is my own personal choice. I can be given all the advice in the world but it's still my decision as to whether I act on it. For me to get better, I have to start taking risks and accepting challenges, and I am seriously considering it. I am getting so fed up of missing out and not experiencing life and I can feel myself slipping into a depressed state because I am unable to eat what I want. I have to beat this!
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The Yellow World

Thursday, 3 January 2013

I first wanted to read this book, after watching a video reviewing it. It was mentioned that the book was very similar to John Green's 'The fault in our stars', which is one of my favourite books, so obviously this meant I had to read this book.
I was very lucky to receive the book for Christmas and as soon as I picked it up, I didn't put it down again. For me, that doesn't happen! I am world's slowest reader, and it takes me weeks to read a book, so the fact I read this in 4 hours, should say something in itself ;)

If you've read 'The fault in our stars', then I would say that the similarity is that they are both about cancer, and it stops there. 'The Yellow World' is non-fiction. Albert Espinosa was asked to write a book about his experiences with cancer, so he didn't. He suffered from cancer during the ages 14-24 and lost a leg, a lung and you could say, his adolescence.  However, he turns his experiences into positives and instead he writes about this yellow world, a place in which is individual to us and in my opinion, is nothing but positive. 
It's not a self-help book, but it does offer some great advice which ultimately lead to a happy and fulfilled life. 
I think my favourite part of this book is the relationships/friendships he has managed to form because of his illness. It just shows that there really are perks to EVERYTHING. Every 'loss' he experienced has also come with a 'gain', and he shows us that if we focus on those, then life is great. I love that he has experienced things too, it makes the book so convincing and real. He adds humour as well, which is always a bonus!
I love this book and will read it again and again. It is definitely up there as one of my favourite books and I think I am going to buy it as a present for someone too because you don't have to be sick to read this. Anyone can benefit from positivity! 

I'd say go buy this book.. definitely worth a read!
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