Friday, 7 December 2012

Blogmas day 7: Short trip home

On Tuesday, I'm off to the Clothes Show live! I actually can't wait! Due to all of the end of term assignments, we have Monday off, which means I am going home on Monday morning, and seeing my Nan and friend Monday evening, and then going on Tuesday. 
As much as I am looking forward to it, I'm also dreading it. I'm going home to people I've not seen - I've changed, physically and mentally. And of course, they will have changed too. I don't trust my own perception of my body, but I think I look bigger, and I'm no good at being judged. I'm no good at listening to comments about my weight, even when they are intended in a good way.
I really don't want to, but I really think I will cut back on how much I eat when I return, simply because I don't want people to comment. Which makes me think about when I return home for Christmas. This short trip is only 2-3 days, but Christmas is 4 weeks. That is more than enough time to completely undo all of the hard work I've put into gaining weight and eating. 
I want to eat what I've been eating, but my family haven't seen me eat treats for about 2 years. They won't be able to not say something about that, which I know will put me off.
I think you can tell that I've gained weight too and to be honest, I don't really like it. It's like I'm losing a huge part of who I am. I tried to explain to someone what it's like, and they said a normal person would see it like 'a footballer breaking his leg and then never being able to play again'. What do they do? 
It's like I'm lost in this middle ground, not wanting to be ill nor well. Just because I intend on being a healthy weight doesn't necessarily mean I'll be okay? 
However, I'm hoping that seeing friends and doing something I've been looking forward to for 4 months will override any concern about food! And the same with Christmas.. I hope the festivities are distracting :)
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3 comments

melrose said...

I agree, seeing family after all this time is much stressful. Who knows what they'll say, and feel free in saying.
I hope, if you find yourself in that situation, you will stay true to you and all the hard work you've done and accomplished.
I also agree with being lost in that 'middle ground' that's kind of how I feel.
Do what's best for you physically and mentally and try not to let anyone compromise that.
You can contact me anytime throughout the Holiday if you need some support or whatever!
Love you, stay strong xx

Samantha Betteridge said...

Thank you so much! You are so lovely xxx

Josie said...

Firstly, I am so jealous you're off to the clothes show!
In a way I kind of understand how annoying it is when people comment on what you're eating...when I finish a meal or eat something fattening people, especially older relatives, say things like 'Well done!' and 'Good girl!' It's like, I'm not 5 years old haha! But I hope there's loads of distractions, like Shrek Christmas films ;), that means you have a fab fab fab Christmas!

Have loads of fun on Tuesday! xxx

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