Friday, 14 December 2012

Blogmas day 14: Feeling

Today, I did something I have done for as long time. I actually laughed - a proper hysterical laugh. Now, this may sound absolutely ridiculous, but to me it means my body is beginning to (slowly but surely) recover.
When your body is so starved, you lose the inability to feel. It takes energy to feel, and when your body is in starvation mode it has to use any energy on simple things, such as living. Feeling is something that isn't a priority and it a way, it's as if you're numb. I didn't cry for 2 years, laughter was rare and smiling was an effort. In a way, it's possible to convince yourself that this is good. Why would you want to feel pain? You've cut yourself off from everything so you must be doing things right. 

However, it's also scary. I feel like I'm beginning to lose a part of me that's been with me for so long. Who am I without that? It's sound stupid, but I don't know how to be anyone else. 
Ever since going home and seeing my psychologist, I feel incredibly 'disordered'. Going home isn't something I enjoy, the reminders are too great. I haven't stopped recovering as such, but everything is an effort. Eating is more anxiety provoking - it's not something I want to do. Yes, I'll keep going and get to my goal weight (hopefully), but then what? I'm not recovered. I still can't eat freely. I still can't go for lunch without looking at the menu or ordering something 'safe'. I can't see that changing when I'm a little heavier?
It just makes me question whether going it alone is the best option. I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with specific emotions.
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1 comment

melrose said...

It's so sad and true how our illnesses take away every little thing from us, especially the ability to feel.
But I am so glad you are regaining life back, YOUR life <3
It sounds like with working on the mental aspects of your recovery the rest will naturally follow? Weight is important, but these are diseases of the mind. -probably shouldn't listen to me, as I am not a professional haha
Stay strong darling and keep at it, I know you can make it through!
All my love xx

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