Monday, 5 November 2012

How do you cope with weight gain?

This is something I am currently not doing. Well, actually to some extent I am coping because I'm not restricting and I'm putting on weight, but the psychological aspect of putting on weight is some what torturing me!
I have been talking to my flatmate tonight, who really has helped me this evening, but I asked her what she'd do if she were told to put weight on. Her answer? She wouldn't want to. And actually, who does?! Everyone in the western world aspires to be 'thin', sometimes not even that but to be a 'few pounds lighter'. When you do hear someone say, 'I'd love to be half a stone heavier'. I have NEVER heard someone say this to me. So, if a healthy person dislikes the idea of weight gain, where does that leave someone with an eating disorder?
I never imagined recovery to be so challenging. Sure, I know weight gain is essential for a healthy mind and body - and that part of me must be winning right now. When I try explaining to people what it's like living with anorexia, it really is like you have the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other - which sometimes does seem kind of stupid as there is obviously only one of me! At the moment, I am winning. I know I have to put weight on and ultimately, I want to be a bit bigger. I'll have energy, my clothes will actually fit and I won't look like I haven't slept in 300 years either. But, at the same time there is this part of me that is almost screaming 'WHAT THE F@£!*&CK ARE YOU DOING?' and it's not easily ignored. I am ignoring it, but it seems to come at some crazy, emotional cost. I have no clue what is going on with my head right now, but every time I stop to think about me I become an emotional wreck! It's like I'm hormonal pregnant woman.. (which I'm obviously not!)
I can't believe how flippin' vulnerable I am! I am the one who is made of stone haha. I don't cry very often, I don't rely on people or trust easily but it seems all I want is to be around the friends I love most!
I'm not going to lie, weight restoration is a bitch. As for how to cope? I have no clue. Telling myself I'm receiving nutrients and I'll be healthy etc?
I am actually all right (I just needed to write something down I think). I know it's not easy but I've met people who have shown me that there is much better life waiting to be lived, at the end of it so I'm determined to keep going. But, if anyone does know how to cope with weight gain, I would appreciate ideas sooooo much!


melrose said...

I don't know how on earth our paths (ok I guess blogs) crossed but your like an angel. That drive, that determination is so beautiful it's exactly what I need, and I think coping with weight gain that's all you need. Our bodies need nutrition and fuel, yes that will make us gain weight, but if we are giving them the proper amount we don't have to worry about gaining or loosing because they automatically maintain and are happy. Does that make sense? I need to take my own advice sometimes. Anyhow, it's so not easy but I've heard it is so worth it! Hang in there dear xx

Tanya Beetham said...

I think you are right in recognizing that weight gain is a difficult concept for even a non-eating disordered person to come to terms with, but for someone who already struggles with food and weight, it is incredibly challenging. Of course you are going to feel fragile and vulnerable.
(I am writing this by the way, as I saw you found my blog, and I also am recovering from an eating disorder. I have gained and lost and gained and lost.. It continues to be a daily battle.)
But back on to yourself.. I guess keep fighting the good fight is all I have to say? You seem to be focussing on what's best for you. YOU, and not the eating disorder. Your happiness and health are ultimately the things that will keep you alive and motivated. The things that have helped me in the past with gaining weight are to try and find other positive things to focus your mind on, rather than the somewhat scary task at hand of gaining weight, which may feel borderline impossible if that's the only thing you are thinking about. What makes you happy? What inspires you? What are your goals and hopes for the future? near and far? :) These are the important things, not the number on the scales or your calorie intake for the day.
The fight is most definitely worth it. Keep positive and keep in touch. All my support x

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