Forever disordered?

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Monday is officially the worst day of the week for me (and most people haha!). Mine isn't so much the whole getting up after the weekend, because I don't start until 1pm ;) For me, it's the day I have to weigh myself.
As I'm not receiving any treatment, it's my responsibility to 'monitor' my own weight - which means most of the time, I let some silly numbers ruin my entire day. I'm sort of stuck in the middle. I don't like losing weight because I know that's reeaaaally bad right now, but I also don't like gaining weight - who does? So, before I've even begun, I'm fighting a battle I'll never win!

I am gaining weight, which I know is great, but sometimes I've put more on than I've expected or been prepared for. My actual body hasn't changed so why I let it upset me, I will never know and by Tuesday I'm usually fine again, which makes me think that gaining the weight isn't the problem. Which leads me on to wondering what will happen when I reach this healthy goal weight?
Right now, 

  • I count everything that I eat. 
  • I won't eat certain foods despite loving them.
  • Struggle to eat out without seeing the menu first.
The list could go on and on, but you get the idea. When I reach a healthy weight, surely I will still do those things. I will still have a disordered mind, just with a healthier body? I know I shouldn't even be thinking about it but feel extremely sorry for myself on Monday when I thought that maybe I'll be living with this forever and it's just something I'll have to manage, and not actually cure. 
Anyway, I've not reached that point yet, so there is no point in worrying about something that's not happened!  
Ending on a happier note, I phoned my manager at my old store today and I can have my job back over Christmas :-) My supervisor was so excited, bless him! I must admit, I'm looking forward to working with my friends again!
I've also had my fringe cut. I went to the hairdressers last week for my 'side fringe' to be trimmed. She messed it up BIG TIME, so I asked my flat mate to cut it into a full fringe (even though she's never cut hair before). I am soooo impressed!

Hope you are all well!
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Doing too much?

Thursday, 22 November 2012

So, I'm doing a full time degree, working my days off, and now I'm chucking in 8-12 hours of rehearsals for a Christmas show I'm going to be in, in 3 weeks. In between all of that, I'm actually being a 'normal' human.. fitting in assignments, christmas shopping, food shopping, laundry.. I AM KNACKERED.
A few weeks ago, I auditioned for the University musical society, expecting nothing. I haven't performed properly since May because it's just too tiring for me. I love singing and it's a huge shame when I think about it, that an eating disorder took away my biggest passion in life. However, I actually got in!
But, now I'm doubting whether I should actually be doing it.. yet. We only have 3 weeks to put a show together. That's no time at all! I went to rehearsal last night, after an 8 hour shift at work and I could have fallen asleep standing up. I came back wanting to go to bed, to find I couldn't sleep! One thing I do love about Uni, is that there is ALWAYS something going on. Despite being really annoyed that I was kept up, it's slightly amusing - a drunk girl smashed her best mate's flat window?! I swear that kinda thing only happens at Uni. 
Anyway, it just makes me wonder whether I should be taking things more slowly? Everything is going right for once, and sure, I was overwhelmed and really grateful to have been given a place in the show, but I don't want to let them down. 
I also don't want my degree to suffer because I'm too tired to write a lab report!
I'm actually going to try and get some sleep tonight - if someone keeps me awake, I'll be smashing their window in, myself ;)
On a lighter note, I'm getting really excited for December! I've bought a Christmas jumper already (but won't wear it until the 1st haha!). Also, I think I'm going to try and participate in blogmas. 25 days of my run up to Christmas - what do you think? :)
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The perks of having an illness!

Thursday, 15 November 2012

So, I guess the title of this post is a little confusing, and some of you may be sat there thinking 'what the hell?'. However, there are definitely some things that I actually thank my illness for.
The main thing is actually the online community. I am overwhelmed with the amount of support there is on here and twitter. Sometimes, during a depressive episode I can convince myself no one cares and I'm not worthy etc but I've found that coming online and talking to people I've met is the best pick me up - especially two people in particular!
Firstly, and I've mentioned her before is a girl named Amy. She is the most amazing girl I've had the pleasure to talk to, and without Anorexia, I'd never have had this opportunity.  She also suffers from mental health problems but uses those to help and support others. She has recently set up a new youtube channel to go along with her blog, addressing mental health issues and they are really inspiring. I'd love it if you had a look at both of those as you'd benefit from her advice, whether you have a mental illness or not :) Without this girl, I know I'd be far worse off.
Another quick mention, is Josie who also keeps a great fashion/health blog (check her out too!). She has cystic fibrosis but refuses to let it get her down and I find that truly amazing! It's really fascinating to actually learn about how intense and detailed it is! And in a strange way, we have a lot in common as we both have to gain weight. I've only recently really spoken to her properly, but she is so kind and genuine!
She is the reason for this post actually. Last night we got talking about Christmas, and being ill really does make you appreciate the small things in life. If someone asked me what I wanted for Christmas, the ONE and only thing I'd truly ask for, is to have a day free from counting calories and thinking about how much weight I've lost/gained.
A few years ago, I'd have wanted the latest gadget, perfume, clothes. Now, I honestly don't care. If someone buys me a piece of chewing gum, I'd be MUCH happier because they know I turn to that if I'm feeling rubbish! 

I have 'grown up' so much since being diagnosed with this. I really do prefer the small things in life now, and when you look, it's actually a much more positive way of experiencing life :)

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BOND launch event

Monday, 12 November 2012

So, tonight I attended my first event as a VIK for YoungmindsUK, in Liverpool. The event was the launch of BOND which is a project for early intervention mental health services in schools. It aims to bring people together - voluntary organisations, doctors, schools, counsellors etc as the sooner intervention occurs, the better. BOND aims to identify what is already out there, such as CAMHs, and will try and improve the services already out there using workshops, coaching sessions and learning groups. The more people know about mental health, the less stigma there will be and the more people will know how to help sufferers.
Tonight, I went along as a VIK and firstly met two lovely girls - Jo and Lisa. Initially, this is why I went along. I have never really met anyone with a mental illness and I've always thought that helping and supporting people is vital. It was really good to hear about their experiences with Youngminds and why they got involved.
The 3 of us were there representing Youngminds, and had a idea's tree in which politicians and psychologists (basically, important people!) wrote down what they thought could be improved within the education sector and why this project is important. There was lots of wine flowing, speeches made, and many other charities, such as Barnado's, there supporting the launch.
Liverpool is the 2nd area to undergo this launch, as there are 5 pilot areas - Cambridgeshire, Staffordshire and South West London will be the other 3.
Ultimately, I think this is a fantastic project. The stigma regarding mental needs to be reduced. The more we know about it, the less people will suffer because they will ask for help. And the sooner this is done, the easier the recovery will be! Many children hide away because they fear embarrassment or humiliation, and it makes it worse. I am 100% behind this project. If it just helps one child, it is definitely worth it.
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How do you cope with weight gain?

Monday, 5 November 2012

This is something I am currently not doing. Well, actually to some extent I am coping because I'm not restricting and I'm putting on weight, but the psychological aspect of putting on weight is some what torturing me!
I have been talking to my flatmate tonight, who really has helped me this evening, but I asked her what she'd do if she were told to put weight on. Her answer? She wouldn't want to. And actually, who does?! Everyone in the western world aspires to be 'thin', sometimes not even that but to be a 'few pounds lighter'. When you do hear someone say, 'I'd love to be half a stone heavier'. I have NEVER heard someone say this to me. So, if a healthy person dislikes the idea of weight gain, where does that leave someone with an eating disorder?
I never imagined recovery to be so challenging. Sure, I know weight gain is essential for a healthy mind and body - and that part of me must be winning right now. When I try explaining to people what it's like living with anorexia, it really is like you have the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other - which sometimes does seem kind of stupid as there is obviously only one of me! At the moment, I am winning. I know I have to put weight on and ultimately, I want to be a bit bigger. I'll have energy, my clothes will actually fit and I won't look like I haven't slept in 300 years either. But, at the same time there is this part of me that is almost screaming 'WHAT THE F@£!*&CK ARE YOU DOING?' and it's not easily ignored. I am ignoring it, but it seems to come at some crazy, emotional cost. I have no clue what is going on with my head right now, but every time I stop to think about me I become an emotional wreck! It's like I'm hormonal pregnant woman.. (which I'm obviously not!)
I can't believe how flippin' vulnerable I am! I am the one who is made of stone haha. I don't cry very often, I don't rely on people or trust easily but it seems all I want is to be around the friends I love most!
I'm not going to lie, weight restoration is a bitch. As for how to cope? I have no clue. Telling myself I'm receiving nutrients and I'll be healthy etc?
I am actually all right (I just needed to write something down I think). I know it's not easy but I've met people who have shown me that there is much better life waiting to be lived, at the end of it so I'm determined to keep going. But, if anyone does know how to cope with weight gain, I would appreciate ideas sooooo much!
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