Saturday, 27 October 2012

Motivation

mo·ti·va·tion

[moh-tuh-vey-shuhn] 
noun
  • The act or an instance of motivating or providing with reason to act in a certain way: I don't understand what her motivation was for quitting her jobmotive,inspiration, inducement, cause, impetus.
  • The state or condition of being motivatedWe know that these students have strong motivation to learn.
  • Something that motivates inducement; incentive: Clearly, the company's long-term motivation is profit.
I think that when you're suffering with a mental illness, one of the key factors contributing to recovery is motivation. Without it, you aren't going to get very far. When I have very little motivation, I'm lucky if I even get out of bed, let alone eat. I have to have something or someone to motivate me - usually, it is a certain someone. I don't mean that they have to talk to me 24/7, question what I'm doing or eating and ask how I am all of the time - more of a 'I'm doing this for them, to make them proud of me'. At the moment, I feel like I'm in no man's land. I've moved to uni, I'm away from my usual source of support and I've stopped all treatment. I have no idea what I'm doing, what I'm supposed to eat or what exercise I should/shouldn't be doing. But, I seem to have been gifted this huge chunk of motivation and it's almost like I don't know what to do with it!
About a year ago, I was ill with depression and when asked what was keeping me going by a Psychologist, I genuinely had no clue. Sure, I had friends and family, but when you're that ill, everyone and everything becomes a blur. Not knowing what is keeping you going is actually quite scary. It made me question why I was actually living - what was the point of my life? Now I'm thinking Does there actually need to be a point to my life? Why do I need something to get me out of bed? Why do I need a reason to eat
Ultimately, I shouldn't need a reason to eat. Everyone does it and it's essential to live: basic human needs. Maybe it's asking too much too soon for me to accept that, but as long as I do eat, I can get by. I have, however, recognised what motivates me and my god, when you know it's so much easier to pick yourself up when you have a bad day. 
  1. Cognition - Many people assume that Anorexia is just about being 'thin'. If it were just that, it would be so much more simple! I can honestly say, I have never wanted or aspired to be skeletal. Clearly visible bones is NOT attractive, in fact, I think I preferred my body shape when I was 15 stone. Anorexia not only damages your physical health but it dominates your thoughts and stops you thinking/concentrating on anything else. Recently, I have found that I struggle to focus in lectures or on work, if I haven't eaten enough - whether it be fatigue or calorie counting. Neither one of those are things I wish to face at 3pm. It's not me and I've finally decided that I am not going to be controlled any more. I came to uni to get a degree and if I can't concentrate, that isn't going to happen. I want to be able to study without thinking about food or my blood sugar dropping. I want my personality back and I want to be free to actually think!
  2. A close friend - I won't name this person, but if they aren't motivation, I don't know what is. Sometimes, it is only thinking about letting her down that gets me up. This person has literally saved my life, was there when at my lowest point, and now I want to recover, partly for her. Although, I'm trying to divert myself from people pleasing, making her proud of me means the world to me. And not only that, stopping her from worrying is hugely rewarding. The only way I can really thank her is by recovering, and if that's what it takes, then I'll do it.
  3. Finally, I want to show the people who comment on how thin I am, for a reaction, or encourage my weight loss that this is not healthy and that I'm strong enough to ignore them. I have to start living my life and not let comments control my every waking move. 
I don't really know where I'm going at the moment, but I do know that taking every day as it comes, is far easier than worrying about what I'm going to eat or do next week. I'm by no means recovered, merely begun a long and a times difficult journey, but for the first time in 2 years, I feel like I'm in recovery.
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1 comment

Amy-Louise said...

Wow, what a beautiful post. You are an inspiration to me, young lady. Keep fighting, I'll never give up on you :)

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