Monday, 22 October 2012

A weekend at home

This weekend, I am returning for my Grandad's 70th birthday meal - a 3 course meal which is a nightmare for me in itself but that's not my biggest concern. I feel like this is my home now. University is somewhere where I started a new life - recovery! I'm going to see my friend who I am missing terribly, and really can't wait to see her, but apart from that I don't want to go. 
I have eaten so many foods in the past month - some that I haven't touched in over 2 years, and I am SO proud of myself. Things like pasta, sausages, rice, chocolate, sweets, biscuits, sweet bread, bananas - I mean some of those are healthy, and I still wouldn't touch them!
My family back home don't expect me to touch food - let alone some of those I've just listed. Some know I'm anorexic, but most just think I'm 'superskinny'. I feel like they judge me every time I pick up some food - even if it's an apple. Going back seems to me like a huge step backwards. It's the place that housed and fed my eating disorder - somewhere I don't want to return to. I have been eating over double what I was eating and I don't want to feel as though I can't eat because of what other people will think and how I'll be made to feel. 
I will let you know whether my concerns are actually something to worry about next week, but at the moment I don't think I'll return home again until Christmas. I have just begun to 'live' again, and I don't want to be knocked back 5 steps.
How are you doing?

1 comment

Little Rus said...

I hope things get better and you will feel absolutely happy all the time. x

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