Saturday, 27 October 2012

Motivation

mo·ti·va·tion

[moh-tuh-vey-shuhn] 
noun
  • The act or an instance of motivating or providing with reason to act in a certain way: I don't understand what her motivation was for quitting her jobmotive,inspiration, inducement, cause, impetus.
  • The state or condition of being motivatedWe know that these students have strong motivation to learn.
  • Something that motivates inducement; incentive: Clearly, the company's long-term motivation is profit.
I think that when you're suffering with a mental illness, one of the key factors contributing to recovery is motivation. Without it, you aren't going to get very far. When I have very little motivation, I'm lucky if I even get out of bed, let alone eat. I have to have something or someone to motivate me - usually, it is a certain someone. I don't mean that they have to talk to me 24/7, question what I'm doing or eating and ask how I am all of the time - more of a 'I'm doing this for them, to make them proud of me'. At the moment, I feel like I'm in no man's land. I've moved to uni, I'm away from my usual source of support and I've stopped all treatment. I have no idea what I'm doing, what I'm supposed to eat or what exercise I should/shouldn't be doing. But, I seem to have been gifted this huge chunk of motivation and it's almost like I don't know what to do with it!
About a year ago, I was ill with depression and when asked what was keeping me going by a Psychologist, I genuinely had no clue. Sure, I had friends and family, but when you're that ill, everyone and everything becomes a blur. Not knowing what is keeping you going is actually quite scary. It made me question why I was actually living - what was the point of my life? Now I'm thinking Does there actually need to be a point to my life? Why do I need something to get me out of bed? Why do I need a reason to eat
Ultimately, I shouldn't need a reason to eat. Everyone does it and it's essential to live: basic human needs. Maybe it's asking too much too soon for me to accept that, but as long as I do eat, I can get by. I have, however, recognised what motivates me and my god, when you know it's so much easier to pick yourself up when you have a bad day. 
  1. Cognition - Many people assume that Anorexia is just about being 'thin'. If it were just that, it would be so much more simple! I can honestly say, I have never wanted or aspired to be skeletal. Clearly visible bones is NOT attractive, in fact, I think I preferred my body shape when I was 15 stone. Anorexia not only damages your physical health but it dominates your thoughts and stops you thinking/concentrating on anything else. Recently, I have found that I struggle to focus in lectures or on work, if I haven't eaten enough - whether it be fatigue or calorie counting. Neither one of those are things I wish to face at 3pm. It's not me and I've finally decided that I am not going to be controlled any more. I came to uni to get a degree and if I can't concentrate, that isn't going to happen. I want to be able to study without thinking about food or my blood sugar dropping. I want my personality back and I want to be free to actually think!
  2. A close friend - I won't name this person, but if they aren't motivation, I don't know what is. Sometimes, it is only thinking about letting her down that gets me up. This person has literally saved my life, was there when at my lowest point, and now I want to recover, partly for her. Although, I'm trying to divert myself from people pleasing, making her proud of me means the world to me. And not only that, stopping her from worrying is hugely rewarding. The only way I can really thank her is by recovering, and if that's what it takes, then I'll do it.
  3. Finally, I want to show the people who comment on how thin I am, for a reaction, or encourage my weight loss that this is not healthy and that I'm strong enough to ignore them. I have to start living my life and not let comments control my every waking move. 
I don't really know where I'm going at the moment, but I do know that taking every day as it comes, is far easier than worrying about what I'm going to eat or do next week. I'm by no means recovered, merely begun a long and a times difficult journey, but for the first time in 2 years, I feel like I'm in recovery.
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Monday, 22 October 2012

A weekend at home

This weekend, I am returning for my Grandad's 70th birthday meal - a 3 course meal which is a nightmare for me in itself but that's not my biggest concern. I feel like this is my home now. University is somewhere where I started a new life - recovery! I'm going to see my friend who I am missing terribly, and really can't wait to see her, but apart from that I don't want to go. 
I have eaten so many foods in the past month - some that I haven't touched in over 2 years, and I am SO proud of myself. Things like pasta, sausages, rice, chocolate, sweets, biscuits, sweet bread, bananas - I mean some of those are healthy, and I still wouldn't touch them!
My family back home don't expect me to touch food - let alone some of those I've just listed. Some know I'm anorexic, but most just think I'm 'superskinny'. I feel like they judge me every time I pick up some food - even if it's an apple. Going back seems to me like a huge step backwards. It's the place that housed and fed my eating disorder - somewhere I don't want to return to. I have been eating over double what I was eating and I don't want to feel as though I can't eat because of what other people will think and how I'll be made to feel. 
I will let you know whether my concerns are actually something to worry about next week, but at the moment I don't think I'll return home again until Christmas. I have just begun to 'live' again, and I don't want to be knocked back 5 steps.
How are you doing?
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Friday, 12 October 2012

A New Friend :)

I knew that coming University with an eating disorder would present new challenges and hurdles. I mean, EVERYONE that moves away from home for the first time, is going face new challenges. So of course, there have been days where I have felt like sitting in my room alone, completely isolating myself from the world - maybe even seeing a glimpse of depression (something else I have on my long list (; ), but I know I have to fight it so much harder because I really could become seriously ill.
I can honestly say, that I have met one person in particular who has helped me - probably without even realising - and that's my room mate, Yan (who is on the youtube video). She said to me 
'I can advise you on anything, but it's up to you whether you choose to act on it. I don't care what you do or don't do'
I know that some of you might think that not caring is a bad thing, but I know what she means. And, she's right! No one does care if I eat a chocolate bar here and similarly, no one will really care if I sit in my room, quite literally wasting away. She has really opened my eyes, even with fashion. I used to love clothes shopping, and when I was morbidly obese, it didn't stop me from wearing hot pants. Sure, it probably wasn't too attractive but I didn't care! Now, I hide underneath baggy jumpers because I'm so thin, but Yan has really taught me to just wear what I want and like.
There are some days where I know I have to be with someone else, or I may sink into negativity - so I went and sat with Yan last night, and she taught me how to make the little Origami swans and even some Chinese! I know it's nothing to her, but her company really is helping and inspiring me to recover - and for that, I am really grateful :) 


This seems like an unusual type of post for me but this is a blog about my life and recovery, so I guess this is part of it! And Yan, if you read this, thank you :) I hope we're friends for a long time!








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Sunday, 7 October 2012

My First's Tag


So, it's Sunday afternoon I've done the food shopping, cleaning, hoovering and written up all my notes whilst catching up on x Factor (as I can't watch it live because I don't want to pay for a tv license! haha).. I'm really selling the student lifestyle here, aren't I? ;) Anyway, as I'm now bored, I'd thought I do a tag! I watched this one on youtube a few days ago so this one will do! (and no, it's not rude!)
First tweet?
Is waiting for Ipod to charge ;-)
First Facebook profile picture?
Do you still talk to your FIRST love?

I wouldn't say I've actually be 'in love' with anyone, but I don't talk to my first boyfriend..
What was your FIRST alcoholic drink?
It was new year's eve when I was about 11, and I think it was an alcopop!
What was your FIRST job?
A paper round haha
What was your FIRST car?
I've not owned one :(
Who was the FIRST person to text you today?
My flatmate, Emily - Morning :) u up? Xxx
Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning?
Um, I have no clue! Probably one of my friends
Who was your FIRST grade teacher?
I'll go with year one as we don't have grades in the UK, so my teacher was a lovely young woman named Miss Cox
Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane?
I think it was Portugal!
Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk?
Her name was Megan and no, I don't. We lost touch after primary school because we went to different secondary schools
Where was your FIRST sleep over?
I don't have a clue! It was probably with a girl named Amy because our Mum's were best friends
What was the FIRST thing you did this morning?
Went to the kitchen and made a coffee ;)
What was the FIRST concert you ever went to?
I've never actually been to a concert! How sad is that?!
FIRST broken bone?
I've only ever broken one bone, which was my finger when I was playing netball
FIRST piercing?
Ear lobes
FIRST foreign country you've gone to?
Portugal :)
FIRST movie you remember seeing?
It probably isn't the first movie I saw, but the first one I remember seeing is the first Shrek movie as my Grandma thought it was hilarious and laughed ALL of the way through. It was soooo embarrassing!
When was your FIRST detention?
I've never had one - I was good ;)
Who was your FIRST roommate?
I've JUST moved to Uni so a girl named Emily :)
If you had one wish, what would it be?
This is going to sound so clich├ęd but it really is just to be happy and healthy
What was the first sport you were involved in?
Swimming :) I loved it!
What is the first thing you do when you get home?
Have a coffee haha!
When was your FIRST kiss?

Year 8 - in a little alleyway LOL!
So, that killed some time! If you fancy doing it, feel free and let me know so I can have a look! I'm so nosey but I enjoy reading about your lives :) Also, I apologise for the lack of interest, I feel like I have writer's block or something? I'm probably just knackered.. as you can tell, I do loads ;)
What do you want me to write about?
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