Tuesday, 15 May 2012

What is the point?

I have never experienced such a massive mood change in all my life. I came out of that surgery yesterday, feeling optimistic about the future. All of that has gone.
I'm sick of interfering 'friends' who are only there when there is a problem. It just infuriates me so much! They think they know what is going on, how I feel. Wrong. Because actually, no one knows how I feel, not even me. I'm seriously debating on not even returning to the GP and seeking proper medical help now, as a) I'll be on a waiting list for god knows how long and b) I'm going to university in September anyway. I would have one or two sessions, at the most, before leaving the area and the whole thing will have been a waste of time. Somebody else, who is severely underweight and in desperate need could have those two slots and maybe kick start their road to recovery. Who am I to get in the way of that? Yeah, I'm thin. But I'm not as thin as some people. I don't eat many calories, but people eat less. 

I've also come to question my relationship with some people. Again, I am back to the whole - why should I be confiding in someone when they don't confide in me? It became pretty apparent when I couldn't really say 'yes' when asked if I support someone. That's not because I don't want to support them, or because I don't try. It's because I'm not allowed. So, why should I allow them to help me? Equality has to be key.
I'm not mentioning this again unless they bring it up in conversation. And even then, I'm fine. Denial is how I'm going about this from now on, and maybe it'll actually work. People can keep talking about me behind my back, even though I wish people would just face me if they have a problem. Might as well get it all out in the open!  

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