Sunday, 20 May 2012

Recovery fears

Apart from the obvious - weight gain and becoming 'fat' - this week I have learned it's so much more than that. Being in a musical this week, I have been watched from every angle. I've actually hated most of it and part of me is glad to get it over with it. But, it's taught me that actually, I'm very thin and I don't really want to be any thinner. Thing is, my habits haven't changed. I still have no desire to increase my food intake and part of me still hopes for a lower number when I weigh myself. 
And now, I think I've realised why. I have been losing weight for 2 years - initially for health benefits and to look more attractive. Now, it's because I'm completely addicted to the euphoric mood induced by watching numbers decrease. Nevertheless, that's 2 years of my life devoted to this behaviour - who I am without that? My identity has actually become really, quite hazy. I'm not even sure I'd know what to do with myself if I wasn't the person who is losing weight or on a diet. 
And, if I gain weight - this time for healthy reasons - I'll feel like I've failed. People will think I'm a failure because I'm the person they now know lost all this weight. I'm so used to people telling me how good my figure is, asking how I've lost weight, what's my secret? All of that would stop and I'd be nobody. 
I'm clinging onto something that I feel is a part of who I am, and I can't even begin to imagine what is left without that.
What if I don't like who I desperately need to be?
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