Saturday, 5 May 2012

Just eat!

The night is still young and I'm practically asleep watching TV. For someone who can usually stay awake all night with great ease, this should surely be a huge sign telling me to eat more. I just wish I would. I have struggled to stay awake all week and sometimes, I can barely stand up. 
Yet, I seem to think I can live off what seems like galleons of coffee. Well, part of me does. Because the other half of me knows that it's only a matter of time before I actually do faint or collapse. Before all of this began, my biggest fear was any sort of medical help, and that's what I'm technically heading for. My body will shut down or I'll develop anaemia or osteoporosis, meaning I'll need a lot more treatment. My muscles are already becoming weak and I'm always ice cold, and I know it'll only get worse! I can also feel my mood declining, falling back into that very lonely and dark place, otherwise known as depression - and I can't stop thinking about that coping mechanisms I used when I was there before.
It's really strange though, because I don't actually feel hungry, I just have no energy. My stomach hardly ever rumbles or hurts as a result of hunger. If you're not hungry, why would you eat? To stay alive!
Being thin really can't be more important than my own health. It can't be more important than singing or socialising? So, why is it to me?
I've come to the conclusion, I'm completely fucked up and probably need help. But the majority of my mind won't accept that. I'm fighting a battle, that I think, I can only lose.

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