Wednesday, 23 May 2012

To tell or not to tell..?

It's getting rather obvious now, that I have an eating disorder. However, I've still not told my parents and every time she reminds me that I'm really skinny, I tell her I have no idea what she's talking about. I know I can't keep this up.
Just how?! How? How on earth do I tell her properly? I'm not close to her, nor do I want to be. I know she already probably knows and is denying it, like me, but it's still something I have to do. Isn't it? Or can I actually keep living my life like this, going to GP's and clinic's behind her back, in the hope that I can recover without saying a word?

I keep going through phases. One day I am adamant that it's something I have to do, and then the next, there is just no way I'll ever bring it up. My mind is clearly all over the place! 


What are your thoughts? 
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Sunday, 20 May 2012

Recovery fears

Apart from the obvious - weight gain and becoming 'fat' - this week I have learned it's so much more than that. Being in a musical this week, I have been watched from every angle. I've actually hated most of it and part of me is glad to get it over with it. But, it's taught me that actually, I'm very thin and I don't really want to be any thinner. Thing is, my habits haven't changed. I still have no desire to increase my food intake and part of me still hopes for a lower number when I weigh myself. 
And now, I think I've realised why. I have been losing weight for 2 years - initially for health benefits and to look more attractive. Now, it's because I'm completely addicted to the euphoric mood induced by watching numbers decrease. Nevertheless, that's 2 years of my life devoted to this behaviour - who I am without that? My identity has actually become really, quite hazy. I'm not even sure I'd know what to do with myself if I wasn't the person who is losing weight or on a diet. 
And, if I gain weight - this time for healthy reasons - I'll feel like I've failed. People will think I'm a failure because I'm the person they now know lost all this weight. I'm so used to people telling me how good my figure is, asking how I've lost weight, what's my secret? All of that would stop and I'd be nobody. 
I'm clinging onto something that I feel is a part of who I am, and I can't even begin to imagine what is left without that.
What if I don't like who I desperately need to be?
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Thursday, 17 May 2012

Opening Night

What a blast! I can honestly say that I have never enjoyed performing as much as I did last night. My solo went well and I wasn't really that nervous. There were a few hiccups but everyone just had a laugh and enjoyed it all. I can't wait to do it all again later!
But, as per usual, I can't do anything without someone commenting on my weight. Just as I'm going on to sing my big number, some prick who shall remain nameless says 'don't you dare lose any more weight. you won't be loved any more.' I was absolutely speechless. I was on such a high, and I did manage to maintain it, but who says a thing like that?
I really does just encourage me to lose more and completely give up. I don't want to go back to my GP because I feel free of medical treatment right now. Why would I go back to something that I hate?
I don't know if I even will.


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Tuesday, 15 May 2012

What is the point?

I have never experienced such a massive mood change in all my life. I came out of that surgery yesterday, feeling optimistic about the future. All of that has gone.
I'm sick of interfering 'friends' who are only there when there is a problem. It just infuriates me so much! They think they know what is going on, how I feel. Wrong. Because actually, no one knows how I feel, not even me. I'm seriously debating on not even returning to the GP and seeking proper medical help now, as a) I'll be on a waiting list for god knows how long and b) I'm going to university in September anyway. I would have one or two sessions, at the most, before leaving the area and the whole thing will have been a waste of time. Somebody else, who is severely underweight and in desperate need could have those two slots and maybe kick start their road to recovery. Who am I to get in the way of that? Yeah, I'm thin. But I'm not as thin as some people. I don't eat many calories, but people eat less. 

I've also come to question my relationship with some people. Again, I am back to the whole - why should I be confiding in someone when they don't confide in me? It became pretty apparent when I couldn't really say 'yes' when asked if I support someone. That's not because I don't want to support them, or because I don't try. It's because I'm not allowed. So, why should I allow them to help me? Equality has to be key.
I'm not mentioning this again unless they bring it up in conversation. And even then, I'm fine. Denial is how I'm going about this from now on, and maybe it'll actually work. People can keep talking about me behind my back, even though I wish people would just face me if they have a problem. Might as well get it all out in the open!  
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I'VE BEEN DISCHARGED!

I have been discharged and my god, IT FEELS GOOD.
Well, temporarily anyway, because I now have to go back to the GP for a proper eating disorder referral - but I shall celebrate coming this far and feeling free again! I don't know what will happen in the future but I know that for now, I have some sort of hope inside me. I hope for a better future, one where I can pick up a chocolate bar and feel guilt free. I am determined to get there. I WANT to get there!
The old me really doesn't want to go back to the doctor though, the person that hates Doctors still hates Doctors - but maybe that's a good thing? My bubbly yet sarcastic personality is there within reach ;-)

And, although she may never read this - I have to acknowledge the support I have from a very close friend. I love her very dearly, and today realised that I owe her my life. She is the only reason I am still fighting, and for that alone, I can never thank her enough. Like me, she doesn't open up, so I'm going to make a huge effort to give her all the support and care she needs, if the time ever arises. She is truly a phenomenal lady.
 
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Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Guilt ridden

I don't know why, because usually I'd advise it, but I feel so guilty for confiding in someone very close. I am the first person to tell anyone to talk about their problems. Y'know, the old 'A problem shared, is a problem halved' situation. Well, I've decided this isn't always true.. because what if that person doesn't have a clue about how to fix it?
This has happened to me and all I've done is left them feeling helpless and really sorry that they can't do anything. Maybe worried and concerned too. Basically, instead of just one person having a problem and feeling terrible, it's now two people, which could easily have been avoided! I really am going to learn to keep my mouth shut because I feel worse now for burdening them with things they really don't need to carry around with them. 
I'm so hypocritical too, because I'd still want people to come to me with their problems. Why can't I do the same? Why do I have this huge issue with telling people things and pretending everything is ok all of the time? I always tell people that 'It's ok, not to be ok'
I really wish I could follow my own advice.
 
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Monday, 7 May 2012

Big mistake

So, tonight I kind of told someone every detail of my current eating behaviour and now I think I've made a HUGE mistake. It's not that I have a problem unloading to this particular person, but I'm now fearful of what may happen next. Even though I know I need to either go back to my GP or be referred to an eating disorder specialist via my current source of help.. it doesn't mean I want to or am actually ready for it. I actually think this person will just go ahead and do that anyway.
I know she's only trying to help, and I know that I'm pretty much crying out for help, but I won't accept it. I just can't accept it. My next appointment is Tuesday - maybe if I just don't mention anything from now on, she'll forget? That is beyond optimistic! I could just be 'ill' next Tuesday? 

You know, this is why I keep things to myself. It only temporarily makes me feel better as now I'm panicking about what she's going to do!
FUCKKKKKKKK!
 
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Saturday, 5 May 2012

Just eat!

The night is still young and I'm practically asleep watching TV. For someone who can usually stay awake all night with great ease, this should surely be a huge sign telling me to eat more. I just wish I would. I have struggled to stay awake all week and sometimes, I can barely stand up. 
Yet, I seem to think I can live off what seems like galleons of coffee. Well, part of me does. Because the other half of me knows that it's only a matter of time before I actually do faint or collapse. Before all of this began, my biggest fear was any sort of medical help, and that's what I'm technically heading for. My body will shut down or I'll develop anaemia or osteoporosis, meaning I'll need a lot more treatment. My muscles are already becoming weak and I'm always ice cold, and I know it'll only get worse! I can also feel my mood declining, falling back into that very lonely and dark place, otherwise known as depression - and I can't stop thinking about that coping mechanisms I used when I was there before.
It's really strange though, because I don't actually feel hungry, I just have no energy. My stomach hardly ever rumbles or hurts as a result of hunger. If you're not hungry, why would you eat? To stay alive!
Being thin really can't be more important than my own health. It can't be more important than singing or socialising? So, why is it to me?
I've come to the conclusion, I'm completely fucked up and probably need help. But the majority of my mind won't accept that. I'm fighting a battle, that I think, I can only lose.
 
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Wednesday, 2 May 2012

New shoes

So, a bit of a lighter post today - nothing like a bit of retail therapy to cheer you up a bit, eh? You may be aware that I am completely and utterly obsessed and in love with all things leopard print. Sometimes I'm a little cautious of wearing it, as it can look tarty but when I saw these flat espadrille peep toes from River Island, I couldn't find my card fast enough! They're beaaaaaautiful!
I just wish the weather would improve so that I can wear them!
And secondly, I am a bit of a key ring collector, so when I came home to this little piece of toast from my Mum, I was very touched :-)
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