Friday, 27 April 2012

Show time!

On the 16th May, I will be appearing in my musical society's annual summer show. This time, I have the solo's I've always dreamed of singing, the duets I've always wanted. I absolutely love performing, more than anything else I can think of but part of me is fearing I won't actually manage to get through the week.
Show week is usually exciting, nerve racking, confidence boosting and amazing, all in one. For those of you that perform, you'll know how all of that actually wears you right out. You can eat crap all week, and still lose weight because it requires so much energy. It can be truly exhausting.
So, here's my problem. I'm already exhausted. I have no energy. So how am I supposed to perform every night and deliver a performance that is fun packed and energy filled? My biggest fear, is actually collapsing - which is obviously, not good! Thing is, if I don't perform to my self set standard, I'll punish myself even more. Even coffee isn't picking me up any more - maybe those diet energy drinks will be worth a shot?
And here's the other thing. Part of me can't believe I'm even contemplating diet energy drinks. Part of me just wants, nothing more than to enjoy what will be my last show before university. I know I will just be shattered all week though.
I really wish I wasn't like this
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Thursday, 26 April 2012

What would you do?

I am completely sick and tired of people commenting on my image. Yes, I've lost weight. Yes, I keep losing weight and yes, it will probably continue. This is something which I have to overcome, no one else. Yet, everyone on this planet seems to think they can comment on this. If I'm brutally honest, it's no one's business but my own. I don't go up to you and tell you to lose weight or put weight on. So, don't tell me too. 
I know those of you reading this will just think that these people simply care about me and are concerned. I couldn't agree more - but telling someone with a suspected eating disorder to put weight on, is actually one of the worst things you can do. I know they probably don't know that, so yes, it's difficult. But why can't people just think?  People I haven't seen for years comparing me to a celebrity who died from anorexia. I mean, f*ck off! And then people telling me I look like a skeleton. Is that really necessary?
I really don't know how much longer I can take this. Coping is proving very difficult.
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Wednesday, 25 April 2012

Triggering comments

Does anyone else find this? A series of comments, that are usually harmless and meant to be a joke, actually trigger the depression that manages creep back into your life.
Right now, I am so unbelievably busy. I'm not saying I'm the only person who is, but I rarely get a whole day off. And even if I do, I should be doing college work or revision instead of relaxing or doing what I want. My life is an endless cycle of college, work, rehearsals, revision, exercise, college, work - you get the idea.
For the last 2 weeks, I have felt my mood spiralling back into the dark and lonely realms of depression again. I don't really want to do anything, don't want to talk to those I love and care about most, and the self-harming thoughts that I had managed to decrease, are as frequent as before. 
So, when someone comments on my looks or how little work I have to do, I find it very difficult to take lightly now. Every time I've had a bad day (like today!) and attempted a little enthusiasm, I always seem to be knocked down anyway, so I might as well not try!


I just want to hibernate for the next year or 50 because quite frankly, I can't be bothered with life right now.
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Thursday, 19 April 2012

I am only human

For the last few days, all I've wanted is someone to wrap their arms around me, and tell me everything will be fine. I don't necessarily have anything to feel upset about, I've just been down.
But, for some crazy/ insane/ stupid reason, every time I'm like this I just push those away that care about me. I reply bluntly, I make no effort and basically cut them off. I tell myself no one cares and that I am perfectly able to look after myself. Why the hell do I do this?! I am really just craving some love and care!
I also take everything the wrong way. A lovely lady from my theatre group came up to me yesterday and told me I'd lost a lot of weight - that was the end of the sentence. I automatically assumed, because I'm getting thinner and thinner, she meant it as a concerned but negative comment. She didn't. She went on to say how well I'd done with losing half of my body weight - if only she knew! I would do anything to eat a high calorific snack or pudding and not want to punish myself afterwards. 
And on the same note, why is it that people who know how much I'm struggling, feel the need to try and make it a light hearted joke? I may put on a brave face, and hide my emotions behind the biggest brick wall you could ever imagine, but telling me to eat chocolate, cake and crisps is really only adding to how bad I feel. At the end of the day, I do have emotions just like everyone else. 
I am only human.
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Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Reflection

Have I had a period of post session reflection?
Of course. How can you ever visit a psychologist and then not think about it afterwards?


What keeps you going? Is it your friend? Have you ever had balance? Do you let anyone care about you? Do you trust anyone? Are you overcompensating? What is attractive to you? You know what, I JUST DON'T KNOW.


Seeing someone for mental health problems is one the hardest things I do. I dread it every time I know my next session is near. I become withdrawn because I know I have to face something I don't want to do it. Why do I do it? I don't want to be like this any more.
But how long am I supposed to keep going? I have been seeing this man for 4 months now, and although I'm much happier, I'm also much thinner. I've come to the conclusion I am a complete mess - you know what, maybe I always will be! I am self reliant for sure but why is that a bad thing? I make other people happy, and I'm happy just making other people smile - so what does it matter if I'm not? One of the reasons I go to these sessions, is to keep someone I care about happy.


I really hate this.
 



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