Thursday, 4 October 2018

Long time, no blog

I've been thinking about writing for a few weeks now. I'd actually decided not to renew my blog, thinking that I'd finished with it. I can't bring myself to delete it but thought that it had served it's purpose. But today I've wanted to write like I used to, not for anyone but myself.

I met with a friend last night, one I haven't seen in about 8 years. Due to the circumstances, we didn't keep in touch and I can't say we really know each other very well. Regardless, we've always kept a connection and given that the world works in mysterious ways, we now don't live far from each other at all.

So imagine having to catch up on almost a lifetime.

If you tell someone your story, you're forced to reflect. To feel. To think about what you've been through and where you are now. I think I stopped writing on here because I felt like a fraud. My blog was always a diary of a girl with anorexia. It evolved into recovery, travelling, my life unfolding. But now I am content, what else can I write?

I've been asked recently how I changed my narrative? How did I cope? What is my advice to someone with an eating disorder?

And my honest answer is that I do not know. 

I don't know how I did it and I can't even remember the darkest years of the illness. My brain has shut  those out on purpose, to protect me I can only assume. However, it's not very helpful when advice is asked for, and I really do feel like a fraud sometimes.

I've never read my old blogs but I have just spent an hour skim reading words I wrote in 2012. I don't remember it. I don't want to remember it either really. I look back and I just feel sad for the 17 year old girl who thought no one cared.

I'm very, very fortunate. I was able to change my identity and inner narrative. I no longer feel a victim or slave to what once was. But part of me does wish I could understand the healing process a little better, to understand what it was that made me take that leap of faith.

I don't know if I'll ever know and that's OK. Sometimes we have to learn to let go and let things be.


Monday, 7 May 2018

A New Chapter

3 months since I've posted anything on this blog, and to be honest, I've not missed writing. I have just had to renew the domain on this blog though which has got me thinking about whether I want to continue it. Turns out I'm paying for another 2 years, so here we are.

Life has been going at 300mph, and I've just been enjoying being rather than documenting every single thing. Something worth documenting did happen last week though, and as it's one of the sunniest days we've had all year, it seems fitting that I'm writing on a balcony, soaking up the sunshine.

Last week saw the end of my placement, a job interview and the news I've been hoping for since my academic study begun really.

As of December 2018, I will be a fully qualified child protection social worker. 

It still feels weird to say or write. I still have to write my dissertation and work as family support until December but it feels amazing to know that all of the hard work has paid off and my career is about to begin. It also feels amazing to know that I can move out soon, become a real adult (whatever that is), and see what this next chapter has to offer.

I know I'm not alone in that it means a lot to be writing this. I know that post people go into a social/health/psychological profession because they've usually had some form of direct experience themselves and want to support others. But, just five years ago, to think that I would be where I am now, was unimaginable. I had no idea what I wanted to do, how I was going to get there let alone recover to full health. This week has been a whirlwind of emotions actually, and I'm not afraid to say that, yes, I am proud of myself.

Hard work really does pay off, you just have to believe in yourself.
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